It’s like constantly having a nightmare, but worse because you can’t wake up.
You can’t wake up this is not a dream.
No matter how hard you try you can’t run away, you can’t hide. It’s always there. It’s like drowning on the inside because absolutely no one understands what you are going through. It is absolutely energy-consuming. It is tiring to always feel that way and knowing there is nothing you can do about it. It is tiring always hating the way you feel and whatever you do it never gets better. Everyday is a survival. It’s an everyday struggle you have to go through. And there is no one who can help you which makes it a struggle which you have to go trough alone. It stops you from doing so many things. It stops you from doing the things you love that actually give live a reason. It stops you from enjoying simple life things. Just because you wonder and you worry. Your every single minuet, every single second your mind is in a constant battle with itself and it’s tiring. It is so so tiring. People around you wonder why you have zero energy almost most of the time. It changes you as a person and that affects the ones you love the most and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it and at some point you start hating yourself because of that. Which causes more anxiety in order not to disappoint your most loved ones, but you feel like you constantly disappoint them even if you haven’t done anything so they would think that way. Everyday feels absolutely the same. Nothing changes. Nothing gets better.
..but why did you get that way in the first place? People around you have always wanted something from you and they have always wanted you to be perfect and if you are not they start calling you names. They start saying awful things. If you say something wrong they know what to tell you so you won’t ever say anything again. You start believe the things they say? I mean, why wouldn’t you? No one has taught you how to love yourself and why it is so important.
Lets say this starts around the age of 12. You’re a happy little child living in a colorful world full of happiness and positiveness. Then you meet that kind of mean people and the colors in your world start vanishing one by one. Then you’re 14, your world is gray, you almost got used to it. Then you’re 16. Your world is absolutely black. You are almost suicidal. Then your 18. Your world is gray again, it’s a little bit better, just because you are now used to it, although you are tired. So very tired. All you want is a break from your mind. From your thoughts. From yourself. From the world. It seems like no one is willing to give you this break. So you just have to go on, and on..
Anyways, how can you take a break when all you hear in your head is how you are never good enough and the voices in your head make everything 10 times worse than they actually are.
I’ll never be good enough and everything you love will burn up in the light.
Who can help you in that situation? Family? Friends? No. Absolutely no one. No one knows what it feels like to constantly blame yourself for everything even if it’s not your fault. No one knows what it feels like to think you are always being judged. No one knows how hard everyday is. No one knows how tiring it is. Even if they say ”I understand”, no, they don’t. You are the only one who understands and that can make you go crazy. It’s hard getting close to someone just because there is one more person to disappoint that way and in the same time you don’t want to be alone all the time because that means you are left only with your thoughts which is pretty scary sometimes.
I’m scared to get close, but I hate being alone.
It is an absolute constant battle between feeling way too much and being emotionless. If you feel too much you will get hurt and because of being hurt way too much you become emotionless. When you become emotionless people around you start questioning that they start telling you that you are ‘rude’, ‘numb’, ‘mean’ and whatever you can think of. But what they do not get is that you are TIRED. So very TIRED.
I act like I don’t fucking care cause I’m so fucking scared.
You start hating yourself for the way you are even though there is nothing you can do about it and that makes you hate yourself even more. So it’s a mad cycle. Once you’re in, there is no getting out. You have to learn to live with it. You will never be normal because no matter what anyone says it is not normal to constantly feel that way..
If you understand and relate to that, I am very sorry, but if you want you can talk to me, I will try to help with whatever I can, even if it’s just by listening to what you have to say.