Seasons 

You can’t ever tell me that summer is the best time of the year. I hate the fact that even if you want to go outside ot do anything you can’t because it’s like a hundred degrees outside and your brain is melting. I hate the fact that you are constantly exhausted because of the heat and then you can’t fall asleep because of that. I hate that you have to shower with cold water at least 15 times a day because otherwise you will die of heat stroke. I hate all of the insects that bite you all the time and nothing ever helps. I hate it when it is so hot and there is nothing you can do to feel better because again nothing helps.

Yes, I know that every summer has its story, but that’s it.

Do you what I do like? The first rain in September that everyone has waited so long for. It washes the summer off of us and it comes with a cool breeze which tells us that the best time of the year is coming. And that’s autumn and winter. One of the most beautiful things are the gold-yellow-brownish autumn leaves that fall on the ground and when you step on them you can hear winter coming. I find some kind of peace in autumn rain. That is the time I feel alive and ready for a new life. I wouldn’t mind if it rained all year but it is time for winter again. You can’t compare the beauty of the first white snow to anything else. Winter has a special power which not everyone can feel because they are too busy being cold but if you forget about that for a moment they will realize that they can’t find it anywhere else. This is the time that gives you the power you need to finish whatever you have started this year and to start the new year.
Also, is there a better feeling than being at home drinking you hot chocolate while the snow falls silently outside? 

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To the stars

We are going to live very differently if we start looking more often at the night sky. Imagine it is the beginning of summer. A July summer night. You are at the beach, on a mountain or in the city. You can be the busiest person and you can be the most careless one, but that doesn’t matter when you look up at the night sky full of bright stars which may seem like small shiny dots. It’s like someone has spilled a jar full of glitter on a black piece of paper. Wherever you look this is all you see. Dark, beautiful and endless. At some point you start losing yourself. Don’t be afraid to lose yourself, you can always come back of course only if you want to. This will help you to start thinking in a different way. Different than your everyday thoughts. You start forgetting where you are, who you are and you realize that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter who you are on the Earth because when you look up you become whoever you want to be. You become the person you have dreamed to be your whole life. You don’t have any limits anymore. Imagine while you are looking up someone or something somewhere in the Universe is also looking at the same sky and wishes it can be like you. It is incredible that we know almost nothing about that shiny black wall and what is it hiding and probably we will never find out, but it is always interesting to step outside our comfort zone and think about this. The possibilities are endless and the best thing is that we will never find out. That’s why it can be whatever we want it to be. Anything we want, everything we don’t have or anything we want it to be.

A lot of people search for an escape from the reality they live in everyday and this is probably one of the best escapes. It can open your eyes for a lot more possibilities. If there is a time where you feel like you want to run away just look up. This will always be your world, shaped only by you. Everything will be okay there. Go for a little bit it will help you. It is even better if you do it more often. It is important to disconnect from reality from time to time otherwise we will go insane and the stars are the most beautiful way to do that.

There was a time when I was also searching for an escape and I found it when I started looking at the beautiful night sky. I liked it way too much and I never came back…

 

Living with anxiety

It’s like constantly having a nightmare, but worse because you can’t wake up. 

You can’t wake up this is not a dream.

No matter how hard you try you can’t run away, you can’t hide. It’s always there. It’s like drowning on the inside because absolutely no one understands what you are going through. It is absolutely energy-consuming. It is tiring to always feel that way and knowing there is nothing you can do about it. It is tiring always hating the way you feel and whatever you do it never gets better. Everyday is a survival. It’s an everyday struggle you have to go through. And there is no one who can help you which makes it a struggle which you have to go trough alone. It stops you from doing so many things. It stops you from doing the things you love that actually give live a reason. It stops you from enjoying simple life things. Just because you wonder and you worry. Your every single minuet, every single second your mind is in a constant battle with itself and it’s tiring. It is so so tiring. People around you wonder why you have zero energy almost most of the time. It changes you as a person and that affects the ones you love the most and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it and at some point you start hating yourself because of that. Which causes more anxiety in order not to disappoint your most loved ones, but you feel like you constantly disappoint them even if you haven’t done anything so they would think that way. Everyday feels absolutely the same. Nothing changes. Nothing gets better.

..but why did you get that way in the first place? People around you have always wanted something from you and they have always wanted you to be perfect and if you are not they start calling you names. They start saying awful things. If you say something wrong they know what to tell you so you won’t ever say anything again. You start believe the things they say? I mean, why wouldn’t you? No one has taught you how to love yourself and why it is so important. 

Lets say this starts around the age of 12. You’re a happy little child living in a colorful world full of happiness and positiveness. Then you meet that kind of mean people and the colors in your world start vanishing one by one. Then you’re 14, your world is gray, you almost got used to it. Then you’re 16. Your world is absolutely black. You are almost suicidal. Then your 18. Your world is gray again, it’s a little bit better, just because you are now used to it, although you are tired. So very tired. All you want is a break from your mind. From your thoughts. From yourself. From the world. It seems like no one is willing to give you this break. So you just have to go on, and on..

Anyways, how can you take a break when all you hear in your head is how you are never good enough and the voices in your head make everything 10 times worse than they actually are.

I’ll never be good enough and everything you love will burn up in the light.

Who can help you in that situation? Family? Friends? No. Absolutely no one. No one knows what it feels like to constantly blame yourself for everything even if it’s not your fault. No one knows what it feels like to think you are always being judged. No one knows how hard everyday is. No one knows how tiring it is. Even if they say ”I understand”, no, they don’t. You are the only one who understands and that can make you go crazy. It’s hard getting close to someone just because there is one more person to disappoint that way and in the same time you don’t want to be alone all the time because that means you are left only with your thoughts which is pretty scary sometimes.

I’m scared to get close, but I hate being alone.

It is an absolute constant battle between feeling way too much and being emotionless. If you feel too much you will get hurt and because of being hurt way too much you become emotionless. When you become emotionless people around you start questioning that they start telling you that you are ‘rude’, ‘numb’, ‘mean’ and whatever you can think of. But what they do not get is that you are TIRED. So very TIRED.

I act like I don’t fucking care cause I’m so fucking scared.

You start hating yourself for the way you are even though there is nothing you can do about it and that makes you hate yourself even more. So it’s a mad cycle. Once you’re in, there is no getting out. You have to learn to live with it. You will never be normal because no matter what anyone says it is not normal to constantly feel that way.. 

If you understand and relate to that, I am very sorry, but if you want you can talk to me, I will try to help with whatever I can, even if it’s just by listening to what you have to say.

I am done

Have you ever been so mad you feel like you actually might explode. Mad at your friends, at the whole world, but most of all at yourself for being everything you don’t want to be and no matter how hard you try you can never change it. 

All my life I have been told that if I don’t like something about myself I need to change it and when I finally decide to do that I start actually feeling worse than before. Also how to you change the whole person you are? What do you do when you don’t like the way you look, the way you talk, even the way you act when that is everything that makes you the person you are. When you actually decide to try and change because of the same people who told you that you should they start telling you that that is not you and start asking what are you doing.

“You know we are different in our own ways. You know we are there for each other no matter what. You know me better than I know myself and you know I have problems with expressing my feelings and attachments. Also, you know I do not do great with people so please don’t force me doing things I am not comfortable with. And when you start doing them with someone you actually like better because they are more fun or whatever just don’t tell I am the one who distanced myself and that I am the reason we lost touch. I am done with taking the blame for absolutely everything for the last 5 years and it doesn’t matter how hard I try to change or be the person you actually want me to be I can never make things right.” – to my best friend

I am done. I am done with trying to please everyone else. I am done with changing. I never felt better when that was the point. I am done trying to be someone I am not. I am done with taking the blame for everything. I am done feeling quilty for things I shouldn’t feel that way. I am done with always feeling not good enough. I am done with being mad at myself. I am done with hating myself. I am done with people who don’t want me in their lives the way I am. I am done with people who can not accept me. I am done.

Living in your own world

It is important having your own world, but is also important not to get lost in it. We all need a place where we can be alone and where we can be ourselves. We are not the people who everyone thinks we are. Even we are not often sure who we are. It is great when people know this and it doesn’t matter what everyone one tells them. It is important to have a place where you are number one priority and where you can get lost for a little bit and just clear your mind from everything is going on in your life. Otherwise at some point you will go crazy. It is important having a place where everything is perfect and you can forget for the rest of the world for a little bit. Where you are who ever you want to be and nobody can tell you anything.

Don’t listen to anyone who tells you need to more realistic and serious. I am a realist as well, but I do have my own little perfect world where I am the girl I actually want to be and everything is in pink and purple. I would be really depressed if I focused only on the real negative world where there is a lot of evil happening. Whenever I start feeling sad I just go to my world and for a moment everything gets better and when you return to the world around you everything seems just a little bit better and not so awful.

Another thing you also need to remember is that it is great having your own world, but also no need to be careful not to get carried away and get lost in it. You need to know what is real and what is not because that may cost you a lot. Go for a little bit to your special place, but never forget to come back, otherwise you will just be lost and no one will know how to help you. You may even start losing friends just because you look like you’re living in another universe and no matter what you just can’t go back down to Earth. 

So, if you don’t have your own world, go on and create it right now. It is going to be possibly the only perfect thing in your life, but is all in your head so it can be whatever you want to be. The important thing is to know how to get back to reality whenever you start feeling better after visiting your special place. And if you do, go on, make it even more perfect, use it more often. You’re going to feel better and never listen to anyone who makes you stop having your own world.

Is writing a real art?

  • Art itself is not what it used to be. Now we have way too many self-proclaimed artists. And I actually agree with that. I believe if you create your own something it should be concidered art. It doesn’t matter if it is just by you. If you keep going it will be for the rest of the world as well. Just don’t give up. 
  • We all know that painters, sculptors and musicians are artists, but what about photographers, singers, dancers and even writers? I had a conversation about what in life actually has meaning. And I said that if you create something and you can leave something after you’re gone, it has a meaning. The other person asked me to give an example and I said “For example writing”. And he said .. guess what!.. “Writing is not a real art” and in my head I had way too many question marks like “What is it then?” and “Have you read..ever?” or “Then what is concidered art by you”..

Why I think writing is a real art? Well, first of all I think we need to start calling everything that someone creates art. Not eveyone can sing, dance, draw, paint,etc, etc. But if you can do it then you have something special and you should not waste it.You should do it whenever you have time just to get things of your mind. I think everyone has something they can go to when they are stressed, have a bad day or just want to relax. If you create something that comes from your heart it should be called art because everyone is different and we need each others creations. That is why we need more artists. If you have a passion for something don’t be scared to do it it will be worth it in the end when you see how many smiles your creation has caused. 

So, why writing shouldn’t be a “real art”? When you write it comes from your heart and it goes to other people’s hearts. Creating your own story in a way that you get people interested is not that easy and not everyone can do it. For those who can, they shouldn’t stop doing it.Being relatable in a world where that is everything is also very needed for art and not everyone can be that. Putting together your words in a way where readers can feel your emotions and go trough the same thing you are going through in you writing is also a beautiful skill which not everyone has. 

We all need as many as possible creations just to forget how awful the world outside can be and actually focus on how beautiful art is to remind us that is not that bad. I don’t what do you think about that, but I think that everything that comes from your heart and in some way touches others should be called art.