To the stars

We are going to live very differently if we start looking more often at the night sky. Imagine it is the beginning of summer. A July summer night. You are at the beach, on a mountain or in the city. You can be the busiest person and you can be the most careless one, but that doesn’t matter when you look up at the night sky full of bright stars which may seem like small shiny dots. It’s like someone has spilled a jar full of glitter on a black piece of paper. Wherever you look this is all you see. Dark, beautiful and endless. At some point you start losing yourself. Don’t be afraid to lose yourself, you can always come back of course only if you want to. This will help you to start thinking in a different way. Different than your everyday thoughts. You start forgetting where you are, who you are and you realize that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter who you are on the Earth because when you look up you become whoever you want to be. You become the person you have dreamed to be your whole life. You don’t have any limits anymore. Imagine while you are looking up someone or something somewhere in the Universe is also looking at the same sky and wishes it can be like you. It is incredible that we know almost nothing about that shiny black wall and what is it hiding and probably we will never find out, but it is always interesting to step outside our comfort zone and think about this. The possibilities are endless and the best thing is that we will never find out. That’s why it can be whatever we want it to be. Anything we want, everything we don’t have or anything we want it to be.

A lot of people search for an escape from the reality they live in everyday and this is probably one of the best escapes. It can open your eyes for a lot more possibilities. If there is a time where you feel like you want to run away just look up. This will always be your world, shaped only by you. Everything will be okay there. Go for a little bit it will help you. It is even better if you do it more often. It is important to disconnect from reality from time to time otherwise we will go insane and the stars are the most beautiful way to do that.

There was a time when I was also searching for an escape and I found it when I started looking at the beautiful night sky. I liked it way too much and I never came back…

 

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Living with anxiety

It’s like constantly having a nightmare, but worse because you can’t wake up. 

You can’t wake up this is not a dream.

No matter how hard you try you can’t run away, you can’t hide. It’s always there. It’s like drowning on the inside because absolutely no one understands what you are going through. It is absolutely energy-consuming. It is tiring to always feel that way and knowing there is nothing you can do about it. It is tiring always hating the way you feel and whatever you do it never gets better. Everyday is a survival. It’s an everyday struggle you have to go through. And there is no one who can help you which makes it a struggle which you have to go trough alone. It stops you from doing so many things. It stops you from doing the things you love that actually give live a reason. It stops you from enjoying simple life things. Just because you wonder and you worry. Your every single minuet, every single second your mind is in a constant battle with itself and it’s tiring. It is so so tiring. People around you wonder why you have zero energy almost most of the time. It changes you as a person and that affects the ones you love the most and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it and at some point you start hating yourself because of that. Which causes more anxiety in order not to disappoint your most loved ones, but you feel like you constantly disappoint them even if you haven’t done anything so they would think that way. Everyday feels absolutely the same. Nothing changes. Nothing gets better.

..but why did you get that way in the first place? People around you have always wanted something from you and they have always wanted you to be perfect and if you are not they start calling you names. They start saying awful things. If you say something wrong they know what to tell you so you won’t ever say anything again. You start believe the things they say? I mean, why wouldn’t you? No one has taught you how to love yourself and why it is so important. 

Lets say this starts around the age of 12. You’re a happy little child living in a colorful world full of happiness and positiveness. Then you meet that kind of mean people and the colors in your world start vanishing one by one. Then you’re 14, your world is gray, you almost got used to it. Then you’re 16. Your world is absolutely black. You are almost suicidal. Then your 18. Your world is gray again, it’s a little bit better, just because you are now used to it, although you are tired. So very tired. All you want is a break from your mind. From your thoughts. From yourself. From the world. It seems like no one is willing to give you this break. So you just have to go on, and on..

Anyways, how can you take a break when all you hear in your head is how you are never good enough and the voices in your head make everything 10 times worse than they actually are.

I’ll never be good enough and everything you love will burn up in the light.

Who can help you in that situation? Family? Friends? No. Absolutely no one. No one knows what it feels like to constantly blame yourself for everything even if it’s not your fault. No one knows what it feels like to think you are always being judged. No one knows how hard everyday is. No one knows how tiring it is. Even if they say ”I understand”, no, they don’t. You are the only one who understands and that can make you go crazy. It’s hard getting close to someone just because there is one more person to disappoint that way and in the same time you don’t want to be alone all the time because that means you are left only with your thoughts which is pretty scary sometimes.

I’m scared to get close, but I hate being alone.

It is an absolute constant battle between feeling way too much and being emotionless. If you feel too much you will get hurt and because of being hurt way too much you become emotionless. When you become emotionless people around you start questioning that they start telling you that you are ‘rude’, ‘numb’, ‘mean’ and whatever you can think of. But what they do not get is that you are TIRED. So very TIRED.

I act like I don’t fucking care cause I’m so fucking scared.

You start hating yourself for the way you are even though there is nothing you can do about it and that makes you hate yourself even more. So it’s a mad cycle. Once you’re in, there is no getting out. You have to learn to live with it. You will never be normal because no matter what anyone says it is not normal to constantly feel that way.. 

If you understand and relate to that, I am very sorry, but if you want you can talk to me, I will try to help with whatever I can, even if it’s just by listening to what you have to say.

Living in your own world

It is important having your own world, but is also important not to get lost in it. We all need a place where we can be alone and where we can be ourselves. We are not the people who everyone thinks we are. Even we are not often sure who we are. It is great when people know this and it doesn’t matter what everyone one tells them. It is important to have a place where you are number one priority and where you can get lost for a little bit and just clear your mind from everything is going on in your life. Otherwise at some point you will go crazy. It is important having a place where everything is perfect and you can forget for the rest of the world for a little bit. Where you are who ever you want to be and nobody can tell you anything.

Don’t listen to anyone who tells you need to more realistic and serious. I am a realist as well, but I do have my own little perfect world where I am the girl I actually want to be and everything is in pink and purple. I would be really depressed if I focused only on the real negative world where there is a lot of evil happening. Whenever I start feeling sad I just go to my world and for a moment everything gets better and when you return to the world around you everything seems just a little bit better and not so awful.

Another thing you also need to remember is that it is great having your own world, but also no need to be careful not to get carried away and get lost in it. You need to know what is real and what is not because that may cost you a lot. Go for a little bit to your special place, but never forget to come back, otherwise you will just be lost and no one will know how to help you. You may even start losing friends just because you look like you’re living in another universe and no matter what you just can’t go back down to Earth. 

So, if you don’t have your own world, go on and create it right now. It is going to be possibly the only perfect thing in your life, but is all in your head so it can be whatever you want to be. The important thing is to know how to get back to reality whenever you start feeling better after visiting your special place. And if you do, go on, make it even more perfect, use it more often. You’re going to feel better and never listen to anyone who makes you stop having your own world.

A tiny step closer to happiness

If you want to achieve anything in life you have to start somewhere.In this case the first step is asking yourself if you are happy and if the answer is ”no” the following question is ”why?”.Whatever the reason is people tend to give more attention to the negative things and that is the problem. Think about the things you already have. If you have friends and family who love you, you have tо be the happiest person on the planet. One of the biggest problems is that is often taken for granted. We focus on the negative things and forget about the positive ones. It needs to be the opposite.The more positive thinking you do the more positive life you will have.Words have a powerful energy, but you can’t feel it every time, but instead of thinking how awful is everything look at the bright side.

The next step is removing negative people from your life. A lot of people are influenced by others and take their energy.Usually negative people give their energy to positive people and there is always someone who is never okay. It is hard to remove every single negative person because they are too many. It is important to learn how to not let them get to you. You build a wall and nothing negative can go trough. One of the most important things is that you and your feelings have to be your own priority. You need to know who you are and not let small things break you.

This is really just a tiny step to being happy, but it is important and if you want to go somewhere you always have to start at some point.

Can’t find yourself lost in your lies

It is really sad when you have been hurt so bad to the point that you can’t trust anyone anymore. To the point where you don’t to have a close person, you won’t let anyone know the real you and that is why you start lying. You lie to others, you lie about you, but you are just trying to fool yourself. You think you don’t need anyone and you can do everything by yourself, even if you know that is not true.There comes a time when you have told so many lies you don’t know who you are. And when the right person for you comes you won’t understand just from fear of being hurt again.It is sad because there are actually people who would do everything for you. They will put themselves second so you can be their first priority. But there is no why you will understand this because you are so used to telling a lie after lie as a defensive shield so you won’t let anyone in. At some point this person will get tired of doing absolutely everything for you and in return he receives only cold behavior. When this person finally leaves and you don’t find another one, you will understand that there was a person who really loves you no matter what but because of you fear of being hurt, you hurt the person who loved you the most and who would give everything for you in the same way that you have been hurt before. That led to you being caught in a web of lies. You will never escape you, you are way to used to it. Nothing, not even true love will save you from yourself. Just know that for the people that you hurt you are the person that are actually running from. Just like you they will probably never trust anyone again.. 

It does get better

I’m going to tell you a little bit more about myself. 

I am 18-years-old. I haven’t achieved much in the last 18 years because just recently I found out that not everything is so bad and awful and also that I actually have a passion and now I know what I want to do with my life

From ages 7-13 when I was growing up I was a really good girl and I always did whatever they tell me. I did what I had to, I did everything on time, everything was perfect. That made me fear making a mistake. All my life I have had problems with my self-esteem and I’ve never considered myself ”beautiful” or whatever. Other people helped believe that that was true and there is nothing good in me. I act like I don’t care, but it still hurts.. 

One day it was September again and I turned 14 and I had to switch schools.When I moved in the beginning everything was fine. With the time going by I became more anxious and I started thinking no one wants to talk with me no matter what the reason was. That’s why I didn’t talk to anyone. I distanced myself from everyone. I shut down. I was constantly thinking that if I wasn’t there it will be better for everyone. I couldn’t.. well I still can’t talk to my teachers and some of my classmates without shaking and worrying not to say something wrong . The first year was like that. Then I was in 9th grade.I was already mentally tired and I stopped caring about a lot of things. I wasn’t sad anymore. I didn’t cry. I couldn’t. Everything was whatever. I just wanted everything to end. At that time a person came into my life. He made me fall in love for the first time and I was actually feeling something for the first time in a while. My biggest fear was losing him because if I did I was left with nothing. Of course that happened 2 years later. I was broken. I didn’t want to do anything. I was numb and everything was pointless.I didn’t want to go out, I didn’t sleep and that was until I got used to him not being there.

Exactly when I started getting better, I met my second love. Everything was perfect in the beginning, but I now I had a fear that it will happen like the last time. I was acting really cold, well when I had the chance. It didn’t work. I got even more attached, but now I knew that there will come a day when he will leave and I had to be fine with it. 

Now, a year later, I started realizing more important things. I realized there was actually one thing I really loved and it gave purpose to my useless up until now life (or what I thought).  And that is writing. When I write, that is me. No one can tell me anything and I like that. It was a way for me not to go crazy. If I hadn’t found out that I like doing it probably I was going to be insane now. I want to do that and actually use it in my life. The second important thing that I realized is that if you know who you are it doesn’t matter what anyone else is saying.It is important to know who you are and what you are capable of. I realized I don’t need anyone to feel ”beautiful” or to feel like I am worth it. I know who I am and I am perfectly fine alone. And the third really important thing is that there is always a way, not everything is as awful as I thought and there is a reason why we are on this planet. Some of us find it earlier, and some of us find it later. The most important thing is to never give up because there is a reason for you to be here. If you don’t know it right now, keep going and eventually you will find out.

I am tired

I am tired, you know? Not in that “I did a lot of things today and if I get some rest I will feel better” way. I am tired of my everyday life. I am tired of the same people. I am only 18 and already I don’t have the energy to deal with fake people. If you don’t have any intentions to be honest with me just leave. If you think I will run after you just to keep you in my life you better leave. I am at that point where I understand the only person I really need is me and I don’t have to deal with no ones bullshit. If you want me to be in your life just accept me for who I am. Accept that I need to be left alone from time to time. Accept that I will not always have what to say.Accept that I will not always show how much I care about you even if it’s true. And if you can’t, just leave. I am tired, you know?

I am an introvert

I am an introvert. I like being alone, but I don’t hate people. I am not always I just don’t know what to say. I need company as much as an extrovert does, but I prefer it smaller. I need friends as well, but 1 or 2 are enough if I know they are real. I don’t like being the center of attention.

I am an introvert. Don’t tell me I need to talk to you more. I talk as much as I want to whoever I want. If I don’t do it with you that says more about you. Don’t tell me “come, it will be fun”. I don’t know anyone there, I don’t think it will be fun. Don’t tell me “you need to spend more time with people”. I don’t want to. Don’t ask me every five minutes if am sad or if there is something wrong. I am not sad, everything is fine. Don’t ask me why I don’t talk. I don’t always have what to say or I just don’t want to draw attention to myself. Don’t ask me why I am alone. I like it that way.Don’t ask me why I don’t like people. I like them I just prefer them to be far away from me.

I am an introvert. I feel great when I can be left alone and just put on my favorite music and drown in my thoughts. Also, I do have feelings, I just can’t express them. My thoughts flow better while writing, not talking.

I am an introvert. Don’t try to “change me”. It won’t happen. I have lived my entire life that way and I am perfectly fine. Do you really think if I am forced to meet a lot of people something will change? The only thing that will happen will be just feeling really awkward.

I am an introvert. Please, don’t get mad at me when I tell you I need to be alone. I really need that time to restore my energy. Don’t think I don’t love you if don’t tell you something, I am just not really comfortable talking about it. If I ask you for a little alone time just give it to me. I don’t want anything else.
I am an introvert and I often use that as a defensive shield.I don’t let a lot of people get close to me, but if I let you in my world you will have a place there forever. I don’t trust people easily, but if you gain my trust it is really hard to lose it.

I don’t love everyone, but if I love you, I will love till the end 

 

Somewhere I belong

Have you ever felt like you are at the wrong place? And no matter where you go this feeling never goes away. I feel like this every day and days like yesterday and the day before are here to remind me of that. Whenever I go out there will always be someone who doesn’t like something and complains all the time. There is always someone who is ready to argue. There is always someone who is ready to fight. I don’t belong here. This is not good for my mental health and everyday turns into another day I just need to ‘survive’. There is way too much negative energy and it doesn’t matter how hard you try to resist it at some point it gets to you. Whatever I do, I still don’t feel like I belong here. Yes, I do have friends and family here, but I feel like I am going to get better if I go somewhere else. Sometimes I feel sad without a reason and it feels like something is missing. Maybe if I wasn’t here I won’t feel sad without a reason.It doesn’t matter what I do I feel like it is never enough.

I want to go somewhere where people smile without a reason and it’s not strange to the others. Where people actually help each other. In a place where people appreciate the little things you do for them. A place where there will be mostly positive energy and you can talk to people without getting scared that they’ll shut you out.

A place where there will be nothing missing and maybe finally I can feel whole again.

One Day

One day when you least expect it a person will enter your life and nothing will ever be the same again. You will go out, you will talk, you will make each other happy. He will be the first one you will want to tell when something happens. You will tell each other everything. You will find pieces of yourself in him. You will become best friends. It feels like you are the same person and you just can’t live without each other. The moment you imagine your life without him, will be the moment you realize that you have feelings for that person. That will scare you. You have been hurt before and you don’t want that to happen again, but it will be too late. You will do everything possible to stop yourself from thinking about him. You will go out late at night . You will listen to your music at a volume you can’t hear your thoughts, but nothing will help. You try so hard to forget him and you are afraid of being hurt so badly you start losing him.

You start talking one a day, once a week, once a month until you completely fade away from each others lives. You will miss each other. A lot. But no one will reach out to the other for many reasons. Even though he isn’t in your life anymore, he is still in your heart. Every night you lay awake thinking what could have been if things had gone differently. Months go by, maybe even a year. Suddenly, you hear your phone buzzing. The screen says ”I want to see you. I miss you”. You can’t believe it. You are at a loss of words, you don’t know what to do. You would do anything just to have a couple more moments together. You know it’s wrong, but you’ve got to listen to your heart. You take a deep breath and reply with “Okay.”. After 20 minutes he is at your place. You know each other so well you don’t need to say were you will meet. You are at a loss of words the first moment you see him. Before the eyes of both of you there are a thousand memories and a thousand more unspoken words. He starts telling you why things happened the way they did. He tells you he has feelings for you.. You can’t believe what you are hearing… You start thinking how you could have been together and everything would’ve been okay if only someone said something earlier .. But you’re the same, right? Both of your prides are bigger than they have to.. How much love you have lost because of it..

After a two-hour long conversation, he walks you to your place. You stay like that for a really long time. You can’t let him go.. Not again. After a while you feel his eyes on your lips and after that his on your lips. You can’t believe what is happening. You know that’s is not a good decision, but that is everything your heart has ever wanted. You both know you are not good for each other. You will hurt yourselves in ways you can’t even imagine. You know you are seeing each other for the last time. And  that is how you first kiss, becomes your last, but it’s not like any other you’ve ever had in your life. That’s how there will be forever pieces of him in you and pieces of you in him. It will never be the same again.You will always see each other in everyone you will meet. No one will ever understand you the way you understand each other.

You will forever be in your thoughts, but not in your arms.
You will forever miss each other, but you will never be together.
It will forever hurt, but nothing will ever help.

After all what helps for a broken heart?