September

September has always been my favourite month of the year because of 2 reasons. The first one is because it is my month. When I was little I always waited for the middle of September so I can be big like the other kids. The second reason is that September for me is a new beginning. The beginning of the most beautiful time of the year. The beginning of the person that you’re going to be until the end of the year and after 4 months on the 1st of January you will tell yourself again that you’re going to be a different person.September is the beginning of autumn and the end of summer.The end of staying all day outside in the sun and wondering how to get away from it. The of a very careless time. A time that for some reason is the best for most of the people and I don’t like it at all which makes September even more special. September is the time when seasons change and you can feel the difference. When going to the beach under the hot sun turn into pouring rain which refreshes us and wash away the summer so we can start again. When the 2 ice creams a day turn into a cup of hot chocolate. When shorts and sandals turn into jeans and converse. When short sleeves turn into leather jackets. When the careless days turn into thing that you do everyday that make you feel productive and good for yourself because you know that you will need it in time. When summer romances turn into serious relationships. When summer memories turn into memories forever. When summer turns into autumn. When August turns into September. That’s when you become a new person.

This September is really important for me because I am literally starting my life over. I moved to another city in another country and I am going to be 1st year in university. The place is new, the people are new, the memories are new. I start all over and that is everything that I need right now. I have never felt more ready to see what the future will bring.

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Faking a smile

Hello beautiful girl

– You need to smile more often.

I guess you haver heard that a million times but something always stops you from doing it. Something stops that smile from being real. You have learned how to fake a smile so that people will leave you alone. A fake smile behind which you hide a lot of memories, feelings and tears. But they don’t understand, right? In fact nobody understands. You are alone in this world. Or that’s just how you feel even if you are surrounded by people. But who will understand? No one has been through what you go through every day. Every day you wonder why you are the way you are and what is wrong with you. Everything is fine with you, you’re gorgeous. But how to believe that when you’ve been told the opposite all your life. You think you are no good because people always get tired of you. You tell yourself over and over again that you do not deserve love because the person you have loved the most has left you even after a thousand “forevers”. There is something very wrong with you. You destroy yourself so others can be fine. You burn for people who do not burn for you. You have loved once now you run away from anyone who wants to get close to you. Who was that person who left you that empty that no matter how hard you try you just can’t feel it in? Who was the person who destroyed you and now has no idea what is going on with you? You are not like the rest of the girls. You are different, right? 

– See how many things can hide a smile even if it is a fake one but you need to know that that doesn’t make you less beautiful. Next time when you hear those words try to do it you can feel whole once again if it is just for a second. The person who tells you to smile more ofteb doesn’t know all of that. All they see is a gorgeous girl.

To the stars

We are going to live very differently if we start looking more often at the night sky. Imagine it is the beginning of summer. A July summer night. You are at the beach, on a mountain or in the city. You can be the busiest person and you can be the most careless one, but that doesn’t matter when you look up at the night sky full of bright stars which may seem like small shiny dots. It’s like someone has spilled a jar full of glitter on a black piece of paper. Wherever you look this is all you see. Dark, beautiful and endless. At some point you start losing yourself. Don’t be afraid to lose yourself, you can always come back of course only if you want to. This will help you to start thinking in a different way. Different than your everyday thoughts. You start forgetting where you are, who you are and you realize that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter who you are on the Earth because when you look up you become whoever you want to be. You become the person you have dreamed to be your whole life. You don’t have any limits anymore. Imagine while you are looking up someone or something somewhere in the Universe is also looking at the same sky and wishes it can be like you. It is incredible that we know almost nothing about that shiny black wall and what is it hiding and probably we will never find out, but it is always interesting to step outside our comfort zone and think about this. The possibilities are endless and the best thing is that we will never find out. That’s why it can be whatever we want it to be. Anything we want, everything we don’t have or anything we want it to be.

A lot of people search for an escape from the reality they live in everyday and this is probably one of the best escapes. It can open your eyes for a lot more possibilities. If there is a time where you feel like you want to run away just look up. This will always be your world, shaped only by you. Everything will be okay there. Go for a little bit it will help you. It is even better if you do it more often. It is important to disconnect from reality from time to time otherwise we will go insane and the stars are the most beautiful way to do that.

There was a time when I was also searching for an escape and I found it when I started looking at the beautiful night sky. I liked it way too much and I never came back…

 

Living with anxiety

It’s like constantly having a nightmare, but worse because you can’t wake up. 

You can’t wake up this is not a dream.

No matter how hard you try you can’t run away, you can’t hide. It’s always there. It’s like drowning on the inside because absolutely no one understands what you are going through. It is absolutely energy-consuming. It is tiring to always feel that way and knowing there is nothing you can do about it. It is tiring always hating the way you feel and whatever you do it never gets better. Everyday is a survival. It’s an everyday struggle you have to go through. And there is no one who can help you which makes it a struggle which you have to go trough alone. It stops you from doing so many things. It stops you from doing the things you love that actually give live a reason. It stops you from enjoying simple life things. Just because you wonder and you worry. Your every single minuet, every single second your mind is in a constant battle with itself and it’s tiring. It is so so tiring. People around you wonder why you have zero energy almost most of the time. It changes you as a person and that affects the ones you love the most and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it and at some point you start hating yourself because of that. Which causes more anxiety in order not to disappoint your most loved ones, but you feel like you constantly disappoint them even if you haven’t done anything so they would think that way. Everyday feels absolutely the same. Nothing changes. Nothing gets better.

..but why did you get that way in the first place? People around you have always wanted something from you and they have always wanted you to be perfect and if you are not they start calling you names. They start saying awful things. If you say something wrong they know what to tell you so you won’t ever say anything again. You start believe the things they say? I mean, why wouldn’t you? No one has taught you how to love yourself and why it is so important. 

Lets say this starts around the age of 12. You’re a happy little child living in a colorful world full of happiness and positiveness. Then you meet that kind of mean people and the colors in your world start vanishing one by one. Then you’re 14, your world is gray, you almost got used to it. Then you’re 16. Your world is absolutely black. You are almost suicidal. Then your 18. Your world is gray again, it’s a little bit better, just because you are now used to it, although you are tired. So very tired. All you want is a break from your mind. From your thoughts. From yourself. From the world. It seems like no one is willing to give you this break. So you just have to go on, and on..

Anyways, how can you take a break when all you hear in your head is how you are never good enough and the voices in your head make everything 10 times worse than they actually are.

I’ll never be good enough and everything you love will burn up in the light.

Who can help you in that situation? Family? Friends? No. Absolutely no one. No one knows what it feels like to constantly blame yourself for everything even if it’s not your fault. No one knows what it feels like to think you are always being judged. No one knows how hard everyday is. No one knows how tiring it is. Even if they say ”I understand”, no, they don’t. You are the only one who understands and that can make you go crazy. It’s hard getting close to someone just because there is one more person to disappoint that way and in the same time you don’t want to be alone all the time because that means you are left only with your thoughts which is pretty scary sometimes.

I’m scared to get close, but I hate being alone.

It is an absolute constant battle between feeling way too much and being emotionless. If you feel too much you will get hurt and because of being hurt way too much you become emotionless. When you become emotionless people around you start questioning that they start telling you that you are ‘rude’, ‘numb’, ‘mean’ and whatever you can think of. But what they do not get is that you are TIRED. So very TIRED.

I act like I don’t fucking care cause I’m so fucking scared.

You start hating yourself for the way you are even though there is nothing you can do about it and that makes you hate yourself even more. So it’s a mad cycle. Once you’re in, there is no getting out. You have to learn to live with it. You will never be normal because no matter what anyone says it is not normal to constantly feel that way.. 

If you understand and relate to that, I am very sorry, but if you want you can talk to me, I will try to help with whatever I can, even if it’s just by listening to what you have to say.

I am done

Have you ever been so mad you feel like you actually might explode. Mad at your friends, at the whole world, but most of all at yourself for being everything you don’t want to be and no matter how hard you try you can never change it. 

All my life I have been told that if I don’t like something about myself I need to change it and when I finally decide to do that I start actually feeling worse than before. Also how to you change the whole person you are? What do you do when you don’t like the way you look, the way you talk, even the way you act when that is everything that makes you the person you are. When you actually decide to try and change because of the same people who told you that you should they start telling you that that is not you and start asking what are you doing.

“You know we are different in our own ways. You know we are there for each other no matter what. You know me better than I know myself and you know I have problems with expressing my feelings and attachments. Also, you know I do not do great with people so please don’t force me doing things I am not comfortable with. And when you start doing them with someone you actually like better because they are more fun or whatever just don’t tell I am the one who distanced myself and that I am the reason we lost touch. I am done with taking the blame for absolutely everything for the last 5 years and it doesn’t matter how hard I try to change or be the person you actually want me to be I can never make things right.” – to my best friend

I am done. I am done with trying to please everyone else. I am done with changing. I never felt better when that was the point. I am done trying to be someone I am not. I am done with taking the blame for everything. I am done feeling quilty for things I shouldn’t feel that way. I am done with always feeling not good enough. I am done with being mad at myself. I am done with hating myself. I am done with people who don’t want me in their lives the way I am. I am done with people who can not accept me. I am done.

Is writing a real art?

  • Art itself is not what it used to be. Now we have way too many self-proclaimed artists. And I actually agree with that. I believe if you create your own something it should be concidered art. It doesn’t matter if it is just by you. If you keep going it will be for the rest of the world as well. Just don’t give up. 
  • We all know that painters, sculptors and musicians are artists, but what about photographers, singers, dancers and even writers? I had a conversation about what in life actually has meaning. And I said that if you create something and you can leave something after you’re gone, it has a meaning. The other person asked me to give an example and I said “For example writing”. And he said .. guess what!.. “Writing is not a real art” and in my head I had way too many question marks like “What is it then?” and “Have you read..ever?” or “Then what is concidered art by you”..

Why I think writing is a real art? Well, first of all I think we need to start calling everything that someone creates art. Not eveyone can sing, dance, draw, paint,etc, etc. But if you can do it then you have something special and you should not waste it.You should do it whenever you have time just to get things of your mind. I think everyone has something they can go to when they are stressed, have a bad day or just want to relax. If you create something that comes from your heart it should be called art because everyone is different and we need each others creations. That is why we need more artists. If you have a passion for something don’t be scared to do it it will be worth it in the end when you see how many smiles your creation has caused. 

So, why writing shouldn’t be a “real art”? When you write it comes from your heart and it goes to other people’s hearts. Creating your own story in a way that you get people interested is not that easy and not everyone can do it. For those who can, they shouldn’t stop doing it.Being relatable in a world where that is everything is also very needed for art and not everyone can be that. Putting together your words in a way where readers can feel your emotions and go trough the same thing you are going through in you writing is also a beautiful skill which not everyone has. 

We all need as many as possible creations just to forget how awful the world outside can be and actually focus on how beautiful art is to remind us that is not that bad. I don’t what do you think about that, but I think that everything that comes from your heart and in some way touches others should be called art.

A tiny step closer to happiness

If you want to achieve anything in life you have to start somewhere.In this case the first step is asking yourself if you are happy and if the answer is ”no” the following question is ”why?”.Whatever the reason is people tend to give more attention to the negative things and that is the problem. Think about the things you already have. If you have friends and family who love you, you have tо be the happiest person on the planet. One of the biggest problems is that is often taken for granted. We focus on the negative things and forget about the positive ones. It needs to be the opposite.The more positive thinking you do the more positive life you will have.Words have a powerful energy, but you can’t feel it every time, but instead of thinking how awful is everything look at the bright side.

The next step is removing negative people from your life. A lot of people are influenced by others and take their energy.Usually negative people give their energy to positive people and there is always someone who is never okay. It is hard to remove every single negative person because they are too many. It is important to learn how to not let them get to you. You build a wall and nothing negative can go trough. One of the most important things is that you and your feelings have to be your own priority. You need to know who you are and not let small things break you.

This is really just a tiny step to being happy, but it is important and if you want to go somewhere you always have to start at some point.

Can’t find yourself lost in your lies

It is really sad when you have been hurt so bad to the point that you can’t trust anyone anymore. To the point where you don’t to have a close person, you won’t let anyone know the real you and that is why you start lying. You lie to others, you lie about you, but you are just trying to fool yourself. You think you don’t need anyone and you can do everything by yourself, even if you know that is not true.There comes a time when you have told so many lies you don’t know who you are. And when the right person for you comes you won’t understand just from fear of being hurt again.It is sad because there are actually people who would do everything for you. They will put themselves second so you can be their first priority. But there is no why you will understand this because you are so used to telling a lie after lie as a defensive shield so you won’t let anyone in. At some point this person will get tired of doing absolutely everything for you and in return he receives only cold behavior. When this person finally leaves and you don’t find another one, you will understand that there was a person who really loves you no matter what but because of you fear of being hurt, you hurt the person who loved you the most and who would give everything for you in the same way that you have been hurt before. That led to you being caught in a web of lies. You will never escape you, you are way to used to it. Nothing, not even true love will save you from yourself. Just know that for the people that you hurt you are the person that are actually running from. Just like you they will probably never trust anyone again.. 

It does get better

I’m going to tell you a little bit more about myself. 

I am 18-years-old. I haven’t achieved much in the last 18 years because just recently I found out that not everything is so bad and awful and also that I actually have a passion and now I know what I want to do with my life

From ages 7-13 when I was growing up I was a really good girl and I always did whatever they tell me. I did what I had to, I did everything on time, everything was perfect. That made me fear making a mistake. All my life I have had problems with my self-esteem and I’ve never considered myself ”beautiful” or whatever. Other people helped believe that that was true and there is nothing good in me. I act like I don’t care, but it still hurts.. 

One day it was September again and I turned 14 and I had to switch schools.When I moved in the beginning everything was fine. With the time going by I became more anxious and I started thinking no one wants to talk with me no matter what the reason was. That’s why I didn’t talk to anyone. I distanced myself from everyone. I shut down. I was constantly thinking that if I wasn’t there it will be better for everyone. I couldn’t.. well I still can’t talk to my teachers and some of my classmates without shaking and worrying not to say something wrong . The first year was like that. Then I was in 9th grade.I was already mentally tired and I stopped caring about a lot of things. I wasn’t sad anymore. I didn’t cry. I couldn’t. Everything was whatever. I just wanted everything to end. At that time a person came into my life. He made me fall in love for the first time and I was actually feeling something for the first time in a while. My biggest fear was losing him because if I did I was left with nothing. Of course that happened 2 years later. I was broken. I didn’t want to do anything. I was numb and everything was pointless.I didn’t want to go out, I didn’t sleep and that was until I got used to him not being there.

Exactly when I started getting better, I met my second love. Everything was perfect in the beginning, but I now I had a fear that it will happen like the last time. I was acting really cold, well when I had the chance. It didn’t work. I got even more attached, but now I knew that there will come a day when he will leave and I had to be fine with it. 

Now, a year later, I started realizing more important things. I realized there was actually one thing I really loved and it gave purpose to my useless up until now life (or what I thought).  And that is writing. When I write, that is me. No one can tell me anything and I like that. It was a way for me not to go crazy. If I hadn’t found out that I like doing it probably I was going to be insane now. I want to do that and actually use it in my life. The second important thing that I realized is that if you know who you are it doesn’t matter what anyone else is saying.It is important to know who you are and what you are capable of. I realized I don’t need anyone to feel ”beautiful” or to feel like I am worth it. I know who I am and I am perfectly fine alone. And the third really important thing is that there is always a way, not everything is as awful as I thought and there is a reason why we are on this planet. Some of us find it earlier, and some of us find it later. The most important thing is to never give up because there is a reason for you to be here. If you don’t know it right now, keep going and eventually you will find out.

I am tired

I am tired, you know? Not in that “I did a lot of things today and if I get some rest I will feel better” way. I am tired of my everyday life. I am tired of the same people. I am only 18 and already I don’t have the energy to deal with fake people. If you don’t have any intentions to be honest with me just leave. If you think I will run after you just to keep you in my life you better leave. I am at that point where I understand the only person I really need is me and I don’t have to deal with no ones bullshit. If you want me to be in your life just accept me for who I am. Accept that I need to be left alone from time to time. Accept that I will not always have what to say.Accept that I will not always show how much I care about you even if it’s true. And if you can’t, just leave. I am tired, you know?