21 Aug Thoughts

All my friends tell me it’s all in my head
But they don’t really understand
That “love yourself” doesn’t really help
Even if I tried to
It’s so hard to escape what you’re used to
How do you explain what is going on in your brain
To someone who doesn’t understand
That you really need a hand
And not the millionth ‘positive quote’
That will not help you at all
Even if I try
Every time I start to cry
And I would actually love you to know all my reasons why
I don’t really know what is going on
I know I have to, but I can’t really make it on my own.

 

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Eurovision 2018

In relation to the singing contest going on at the moment I’ve been wondering some things. I watched the two semi-finals and I have very mixed emotions. I also have a few questions, but for that later..

First of all, I am obsessed with music, contests, charts and different cultures, so this is like the perfect way for me to procrastinate.  I was not able to watch it the day it was aired, because of work, but last night I had a little bit of free time, so I decided to see what is going with Europe’s music this year.  I have to say I was very surprised by a few things. Firstly, no offence, but why countries like Israel and a whole other continent like Australia participate in a contest for countries in Europe only. I know this is not the first year this has happened, but I still don’t have answers to this question.

Second of all the content from all of the countries was just amazing. Besides my number one – Bulgaria, just because I was raised there, my other favourites are Greece, Serbia, Czech Republic and Moldova.

One of the problems with the whole contest is that now almost everyone sings in English, which is reasonable in some way, because that way everyone will understand what the song is about, but for me this contest is to show something different from each country. Europe is full of amazing, exciting, different and interesting countries, so I am sure if everyone sang in their language it would be at least a little bit more interesting. The problem with everyone singing in English is that that way all of the songs sound absolutely the same and they all sound like the songs we hear everyday on the radio and European music is so much more than that.

I know it is very hard creating a song in a language that not everyone understands to compete with the entire continent, but it is not impossible. For example this years’ Greece song was in Greek, but I honestly think it is one of the best in the entire competition and I think they should have gone to the final! I know like five words in Greek and I obviously do not understand the song and what she is singing about, but it still such a good song that can still make you feel something and I am pretty sure it is liked by most of the people who have heard it. Even though it is in a language that not everyone understands it is a very good song, because you can hear and feel something that is representing Greece in a very good way – their music!

I have to say the absolute same things about the Serbian song this year. It is another one of my favourites. Again, the song was in their own language, but they made it work! This is another one I think should be at the top!

As a mentioned earlier my other favourites – Bulgaria, Czech Republic and Moldova – all of the songs were in English. In the Bulgarian one, there was Bulgarian motives at the beginning and the end of the song, so I was like okay, otherwise it has absolutely nothing representative of the country, but of course I still want them to win, because that is my country and I wish them all the best! Moldova’s song was very fresh, again in English, but the melody was very typical for them, so this is why I liked them. You could definitely recognize that song if you hear it somewhere it has nothing to do with the others. And what do I say about Czech Republic, honestly guys, you know what you are doing.  First of all the boy is very cute and I think all girls can agree on that, so Czech Republic, well done on that! Otherwise the song, even though again in English, is fun, fresh and very catchy which is also very important for a song in that kind of contest.

A song should be able to make you remember it from the first time you hear it and I think all of the mentioned countries can definitely do that!

It is normal for every country to show that they can do it and that they are the best and honestly, I think all of the countries are the best! Everyone one of them has something special and different to offer and I think a contest like that is the perfect way for every country to show what they have and what they are capable of! This is a way of becoming famous all over the world or at least Europe in a very good way with your music! Everyone listens to music and that way they can discover a lot of new songs, genres and cultures. Each country has something specific and music is the perfect way to show the world that they can do it. Music is about feeling and coming together as one with people who do not speak the same language as you or have a very different culture than yours. Music is perfect in its own way just like every European country!

So, those are my feelings and questions about the competition. If anyone else cares or is also following it, can you please express your opinion on that, because of course I can be wrong and I want to see who thinks the same way I do, and if not, why?

Thank you for your time reading this and I will be expecting your answers and opinions!

Ah, yes, I almost forgot, and of course if you are also following it who would you want to see winning the contest tomorrow night?

 

Living with anxiety

It’s like constantly having a nightmare, but worse because you can’t wake up. 

You can’t wake up this is not a dream.

No matter how hard you try you can’t run away, you can’t hide. It’s always there. It’s like drowning on the inside because absolutely no one understands what you are going through. It is absolutely energy-consuming. It is tiring to always feel that way and knowing there is nothing you can do about it. It is tiring always hating the way you feel and whatever you do it never gets better. Everyday is a survival. It’s an everyday struggle you have to go through. And there is no one who can help you which makes it a struggle which you have to go trough alone. It stops you from doing so many things. It stops you from doing the things you love that actually give live a reason. It stops you from enjoying simple life things. Just because you wonder and you worry. Your every single minuet, every single second your mind is in a constant battle with itself and it’s tiring. It is so so tiring. People around you wonder why you have zero energy almost most of the time. It changes you as a person and that affects the ones you love the most and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it and at some point you start hating yourself because of that. Which causes more anxiety in order not to disappoint your most loved ones, but you feel like you constantly disappoint them even if you haven’t done anything so they would think that way. Everyday feels absolutely the same. Nothing changes. Nothing gets better.

..but why did you get that way in the first place? People around you have always wanted something from you and they have always wanted you to be perfect and if you are not they start calling you names. They start saying awful things. If you say something wrong they know what to tell you so you won’t ever say anything again. You start believe the things they say? I mean, why wouldn’t you? No one has taught you how to love yourself and why it is so important. 

Lets say this starts around the age of 12. You’re a happy little child living in a colorful world full of happiness and positiveness. Then you meet that kind of mean people and the colors in your world start vanishing one by one. Then you’re 14, your world is gray, you almost got used to it. Then you’re 16. Your world is absolutely black. You are almost suicidal. Then your 18. Your world is gray again, it’s a little bit better, just because you are now used to it, although you are tired. So very tired. All you want is a break from your mind. From your thoughts. From yourself. From the world. It seems like no one is willing to give you this break. So you just have to go on, and on..

Anyways, how can you take a break when all you hear in your head is how you are never good enough and the voices in your head make everything 10 times worse than they actually are.

I’ll never be good enough and everything you love will burn up in the light.

Who can help you in that situation? Family? Friends? No. Absolutely no one. No one knows what it feels like to constantly blame yourself for everything even if it’s not your fault. No one knows what it feels like to think you are always being judged. No one knows how hard everyday is. No one knows how tiring it is. Even if they say ”I understand”, no, they don’t. You are the only one who understands and that can make you go crazy. It’s hard getting close to someone just because there is one more person to disappoint that way and in the same time you don’t want to be alone all the time because that means you are left only with your thoughts which is pretty scary sometimes.

I’m scared to get close, but I hate being alone.

It is an absolute constant battle between feeling way too much and being emotionless. If you feel too much you will get hurt and because of being hurt way too much you become emotionless. When you become emotionless people around you start questioning that they start telling you that you are ‘rude’, ‘numb’, ‘mean’ and whatever you can think of. But what they do not get is that you are TIRED. So very TIRED.

I act like I don’t fucking care cause I’m so fucking scared.

You start hating yourself for the way you are even though there is nothing you can do about it and that makes you hate yourself even more. So it’s a mad cycle. Once you’re in, there is no getting out. You have to learn to live with it. You will never be normal because no matter what anyone says it is not normal to constantly feel that way.. 

If you understand and relate to that, I am very sorry, but if you want you can talk to me, I will try to help with whatever I can, even if it’s just by listening to what you have to say.