To the stars

We are going to live very differently if we start looking more often at the night sky. Imagine it is the beginning of summer. A July summer night. You are at the beach, on a mountain or in the city. You can be the busiest person and you can be the most careless one, but that doesn’t matter when you look up at the night sky full of bright stars which may seem like small shiny dots. It’s like someone has spilled a jar full of glitter on a black piece of paper. Wherever you look this is all you see. Dark, beautiful and endless. At some point you start losing yourself. Don’t be afraid to lose yourself, you can always come back of course only if you want to. This will help you to start thinking in a different way. Different than your everyday thoughts. You start forgetting where you are, who you are and you realize that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter who you are on the Earth because when you look up you become whoever you want to be. You become the person you have dreamed to be your whole life. You don’t have any limits anymore. Imagine while you are looking up someone or something somewhere in the Universe is also looking at the same sky and wishes it can be like you. It is incredible that we know almost nothing about that shiny black wall and what is it hiding and probably we will never find out, but it is always interesting to step outside our comfort zone and think about this. The possibilities are endless and the best thing is that we will never find out. That’s why it can be whatever we want it to be. Anything we want, everything we don’t have or anything we want it to be.

A lot of people search for an escape from the reality they live in everyday and this is probably one of the best escapes. It can open your eyes for a lot more possibilities. If there is a time where you feel like you want to run away just look up. This will always be your world, shaped only by you. Everything will be okay there. Go for a little bit it will help you. It is even better if you do it more often. It is important to disconnect from reality from time to time otherwise we will go insane and the stars are the most beautiful way to do that.

There was a time when I was also searching for an escape and I found it when I started looking at the beautiful night sky. I liked it way too much and I never came back…

 

Living with anxiety

It’s like constantly having a nightmare, but worse because you can’t wake up. 

You can’t wake up this is not a dream.

No matter how hard you try you can’t run away, you can’t hide. It’s always there. It’s like drowning on the inside because absolutely no one understands what you are going through. It is absolutely energy-consuming. It is tiring to always feel that way and knowing there is nothing you can do about it. It is tiring always hating the way you feel and whatever you do it never gets better. Everyday is a survival. It’s an everyday struggle you have to go through. And there is no one who can help you which makes it a struggle which you have to go trough alone. It stops you from doing so many things. It stops you from doing the things you love that actually give live a reason. It stops you from enjoying simple life things. Just because you wonder and you worry. Your every single minuet, every single second your mind is in a constant battle with itself and it’s tiring. It is so so tiring. People around you wonder why you have zero energy almost most of the time. It changes you as a person and that affects the ones you love the most and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it and at some point you start hating yourself because of that. Which causes more anxiety in order not to disappoint your most loved ones, but you feel like you constantly disappoint them even if you haven’t done anything so they would think that way. Everyday feels absolutely the same. Nothing changes. Nothing gets better.

..but why did you get that way in the first place? People around you have always wanted something from you and they have always wanted you to be perfect and if you are not they start calling you names. They start saying awful things. If you say something wrong they know what to tell you so you won’t ever say anything again. You start believe the things they say? I mean, why wouldn’t you? No one has taught you how to love yourself and why it is so important. 

Lets say this starts around the age of 12. You’re a happy little child living in a colorful world full of happiness and positiveness. Then you meet that kind of mean people and the colors in your world start vanishing one by one. Then you’re 14, your world is gray, you almost got used to it. Then you’re 16. Your world is absolutely black. You are almost suicidal. Then your 18. Your world is gray again, it’s a little bit better, just because you are now used to it, although you are tired. So very tired. All you want is a break from your mind. From your thoughts. From yourself. From the world. It seems like no one is willing to give you this break. So you just have to go on, and on..

Anyways, how can you take a break when all you hear in your head is how you are never good enough and the voices in your head make everything 10 times worse than they actually are.

I’ll never be good enough and everything you love will burn up in the light.

Who can help you in that situation? Family? Friends? No. Absolutely no one. No one knows what it feels like to constantly blame yourself for everything even if it’s not your fault. No one knows what it feels like to think you are always being judged. No one knows how hard everyday is. No one knows how tiring it is. Even if they say ”I understand”, no, they don’t. You are the only one who understands and that can make you go crazy. It’s hard getting close to someone just because there is one more person to disappoint that way and in the same time you don’t want to be alone all the time because that means you are left only with your thoughts which is pretty scary sometimes.

I’m scared to get close, but I hate being alone.

It is an absolute constant battle between feeling way too much and being emotionless. If you feel too much you will get hurt and because of being hurt way too much you become emotionless. When you become emotionless people around you start questioning that they start telling you that you are ‘rude’, ‘numb’, ‘mean’ and whatever you can think of. But what they do not get is that you are TIRED. So very TIRED.

I act like I don’t fucking care cause I’m so fucking scared.

You start hating yourself for the way you are even though there is nothing you can do about it and that makes you hate yourself even more. So it’s a mad cycle. Once you’re in, there is no getting out. You have to learn to live with it. You will never be normal because no matter what anyone says it is not normal to constantly feel that way.. 

If you understand and relate to that, I am very sorry, but if you want you can talk to me, I will try to help with whatever I can, even if it’s just by listening to what you have to say.

I am done

Have you ever been so mad you feel like you actually might explode. Mad at your friends, at the whole world, but most of all at yourself for being everything you don’t want to be and no matter how hard you try you can never change it. 

All my life I have been told that if I don’t like something about myself I need to change it and when I finally decide to do that I start actually feeling worse than before. Also how to you change the whole person you are? What do you do when you don’t like the way you look, the way you talk, even the way you act when that is everything that makes you the person you are. When you actually decide to try and change because of the same people who told you that you should they start telling you that that is not you and start asking what are you doing.

“You know we are different in our own ways. You know we are there for each other no matter what. You know me better than I know myself and you know I have problems with expressing my feelings and attachments. Also, you know I do not do great with people so please don’t force me doing things I am not comfortable with. And when you start doing them with someone you actually like better because they are more fun or whatever just don’t tell I am the one who distanced myself and that I am the reason we lost touch. I am done with taking the blame for absolutely everything for the last 5 years and it doesn’t matter how hard I try to change or be the person you actually want me to be I can never make things right.” – to my best friend

I am done. I am done with trying to please everyone else. I am done with changing. I never felt better when that was the point. I am done trying to be someone I am not. I am done with taking the blame for everything. I am done feeling quilty for things I shouldn’t feel that way. I am done with always feeling not good enough. I am done with being mad at myself. I am done with hating myself. I am done with people who don’t want me in their lives the way I am. I am done with people who can not accept me. I am done.

A tiny step closer to happiness

If you want to achieve anything in life you have to start somewhere.In this case the first step is asking yourself if you are happy and if the answer is ”no” the following question is ”why?”.Whatever the reason is people tend to give more attention to the negative things and that is the problem. Think about the things you already have. If you have friends and family who love you, you have tо be the happiest person on the planet. One of the biggest problems is that is often taken for granted. We focus on the negative things and forget about the positive ones. It needs to be the opposite.The more positive thinking you do the more positive life you will have.Words have a powerful energy, but you can’t feel it every time, but instead of thinking how awful is everything look at the bright side.

The next step is removing negative people from your life. A lot of people are influenced by others and take their energy.Usually negative people give their energy to positive people and there is always someone who is never okay. It is hard to remove every single negative person because they are too many. It is important to learn how to not let them get to you. You build a wall and nothing negative can go trough. One of the most important things is that you and your feelings have to be your own priority. You need to know who you are and not let small things break you.

This is really just a tiny step to being happy, but it is important and if you want to go somewhere you always have to start at some point.

Can’t find yourself lost in your lies

It is really sad when you have been hurt so bad to the point that you can’t trust anyone anymore. To the point where you don’t to have a close person, you won’t let anyone know the real you and that is why you start lying. You lie to others, you lie about you, but you are just trying to fool yourself. You think you don’t need anyone and you can do everything by yourself, even if you know that is not true.There comes a time when you have told so many lies you don’t know who you are. And when the right person for you comes you won’t understand just from fear of being hurt again.It is sad because there are actually people who would do everything for you. They will put themselves second so you can be their first priority. But there is no why you will understand this because you are so used to telling a lie after lie as a defensive shield so you won’t let anyone in. At some point this person will get tired of doing absolutely everything for you and in return he receives only cold behavior. When this person finally leaves and you don’t find another one, you will understand that there was a person who really loves you no matter what but because of you fear of being hurt, you hurt the person who loved you the most and who would give everything for you in the same way that you have been hurt before. That led to you being caught in a web of lies. You will never escape you, you are way to used to it. Nothing, not even true love will save you from yourself. Just know that for the people that you hurt you are the person that are actually running from. Just like you they will probably never trust anyone again.. 

It does get better

I’m going to tell you a little bit more about myself. 

I am 18-years-old. I haven’t achieved much in the last 18 years because just recently I found out that not everything is so bad and awful and also that I actually have a passion and now I know what I want to do with my life

From ages 7-13 when I was growing up I was a really good girl and I always did whatever they tell me. I did what I had to, I did everything on time, everything was perfect. That made me fear making a mistake. All my life I have had problems with my self-esteem and I’ve never considered myself ”beautiful” or whatever. Other people helped believe that that was true and there is nothing good in me. I act like I don’t care, but it still hurts.. 

One day it was September again and I turned 14 and I had to switch schools.When I moved in the beginning everything was fine. With the time going by I became more anxious and I started thinking no one wants to talk with me no matter what the reason was. That’s why I didn’t talk to anyone. I distanced myself from everyone. I shut down. I was constantly thinking that if I wasn’t there it will be better for everyone. I couldn’t.. well I still can’t talk to my teachers and some of my classmates without shaking and worrying not to say something wrong . The first year was like that. Then I was in 9th grade.I was already mentally tired and I stopped caring about a lot of things. I wasn’t sad anymore. I didn’t cry. I couldn’t. Everything was whatever. I just wanted everything to end. At that time a person came into my life. He made me fall in love for the first time and I was actually feeling something for the first time in a while. My biggest fear was losing him because if I did I was left with nothing. Of course that happened 2 years later. I was broken. I didn’t want to do anything. I was numb and everything was pointless.I didn’t want to go out, I didn’t sleep and that was until I got used to him not being there.

Exactly when I started getting better, I met my second love. Everything was perfect in the beginning, but I now I had a fear that it will happen like the last time. I was acting really cold, well when I had the chance. It didn’t work. I got even more attached, but now I knew that there will come a day when he will leave and I had to be fine with it. 

Now, a year later, I started realizing more important things. I realized there was actually one thing I really loved and it gave purpose to my useless up until now life (or what I thought).  And that is writing. When I write, that is me. No one can tell me anything and I like that. It was a way for me not to go crazy. If I hadn’t found out that I like doing it probably I was going to be insane now. I want to do that and actually use it in my life. The second important thing that I realized is that if you know who you are it doesn’t matter what anyone else is saying.It is important to know who you are and what you are capable of. I realized I don’t need anyone to feel ”beautiful” or to feel like I am worth it. I know who I am and I am perfectly fine alone. And the third really important thing is that there is always a way, not everything is as awful as I thought and there is a reason why we are on this planet. Some of us find it earlier, and some of us find it later. The most important thing is to never give up because there is a reason for you to be here. If you don’t know it right now, keep going and eventually you will find out.

I am tired

I am tired, you know? Not in that “I did a lot of things today and if I get some rest I will feel better” way. I am tired of my everyday life. I am tired of the same people. I am only 18 and already I don’t have the energy to deal with fake people. If you don’t have any intentions to be honest with me just leave. If you think I will run after you just to keep you in my life you better leave. I am at that point where I understand the only person I really need is me and I don’t have to deal with no ones bullshit. If you want me to be in your life just accept me for who I am. Accept that I need to be left alone from time to time. Accept that I will not always have what to say.Accept that I will not always show how much I care about you even if it’s true. And if you can’t, just leave. I am tired, you know?

I am an introvert

I am an introvert. I like being alone, but I don’t hate people. I am not always I just don’t know what to say. I need company as much as an extrovert does, but I prefer it smaller. I need friends as well, but 1 or 2 are enough if I know they are real. I don’t like being the center of attention.

I am an introvert. Don’t tell me I need to talk to you more. I talk as much as I want to whoever I want. If I don’t do it with you that says more about you. Don’t tell me “come, it will be fun”. I don’t know anyone there, I don’t think it will be fun. Don’t tell me “you need to spend more time with people”. I don’t want to. Don’t ask me every five minutes if am sad or if there is something wrong. I am not sad, everything is fine. Don’t ask me why I don’t talk. I don’t always have what to say or I just don’t want to draw attention to myself. Don’t ask me why I am alone. I like it that way.Don’t ask me why I don’t like people. I like them I just prefer them to be far away from me.

I am an introvert. I feel great when I can be left alone and just put on my favorite music and drown in my thoughts. Also, I do have feelings, I just can’t express them. My thoughts flow better while writing, not talking.

I am an introvert. Don’t try to “change me”. It won’t happen. I have lived my entire life that way and I am perfectly fine. Do you really think if I am forced to meet a lot of people something will change? The only thing that will happen will be just feeling really awkward.

I am an introvert. Please, don’t get mad at me when I tell you I need to be alone. I really need that time to restore my energy. Don’t think I don’t love you if don’t tell you something, I am just not really comfortable talking about it. If I ask you for a little alone time just give it to me. I don’t want anything else.
I am an introvert and I often use that as a defensive shield.I don’t let a lot of people get close to me, but if I let you in my world you will have a place there forever. I don’t trust people easily, but if you gain my trust it is really hard to lose it.

I don’t love everyone, but if I love you, I will love till the end 

 

Hello

I know this usually is someones first post, but it will be my third. 

So, hello. I am an 18-year-old girl. I live in Bulgaria (for now). I am shy and introverted and I can’t express my feelings so I do it trough my writings. I actually started writing about two years ago when I felt I have absolutely no one I can actually talk to. At some point I felt like I was going crazy I would explode if I don’t get my thoughts out of my system. That’s when I decided to try and write them down. It helped. I felt a lot better and normal again. Two years later I still don’t have a lot of friends and people I can talk to, but now I have writing. Every time something happens and I can’t tell anyone, I write it and I feel better again.

Also music is a big part of my life. I always listen to the lyrics of a song and a lot of them have actually helped me. Even if it is just to see that I am not the only one feeling this way and there is always hope. I also want some day to be that for someone with the things I write. I know it can be really hard to express what you are feeling so it will be great if someone finds themselves in some of my writings and maybe help them see they are not alone and even they may start thinking in a different way and know in the end it always gets better. 

For now this is from me.