I am done

Have you ever been so mad you feel like you actually might explode. Mad at your friends, at the whole world, but most of all at yourself for being everything you don’t want to be and no matter how hard you try you can never change it. 

All my life I have been told that if I don’t like something about myself I need to change it and when I finally decide to do that I start actually feeling worse than before. Also how to you change the whole person you are? What do you do when you don’t like the way you look, the way you talk, even the way you act when that is everything that makes you the person you are. When you actually decide to try and change because of the same people who told you that you should they start telling you that that is not you and start asking what are you doing.

“You know we are different in our own ways. You know we are there for each other no matter what. You know me better than I know myself and you know I have problems with expressing my feelings and attachments. Also, you know I do not do great with people so please don’t force me doing things I am not comfortable with. And when you start doing them with someone you actually like better because they are more fun or whatever just don’t tell I am the one who distanced myself and that I am the reason we lost touch. I am done with taking the blame for absolutely everything for the last 5 years and it doesn’t matter how hard I try to change or be the person you actually want me to be I can never make things right.” – to my best friend

I am done. I am done with trying to please everyone else. I am done with changing. I never felt better when that was the point. I am done trying to be someone I am not. I am done with taking the blame for everything. I am done feeling quilty for things I shouldn’t feel that way. I am done with always feeling not good enough. I am done with being mad at myself. I am done with hating myself. I am done with people who don’t want me in their lives the way I am. I am done with people who can not accept me. I am done.

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Living in your own world

It is important having your own world, but is also important not to get lost in it. We all need a place where we can be alone and where we can be ourselves. We are not the people who everyone thinks we are. Even we are not often sure who we are. It is great when people know this and it doesn’t matter what everyone one tells them. It is important to have a place where you are number one priority and where you can get lost for a little bit and just clear your mind from everything is going on in your life. Otherwise at some point you will go crazy. It is important having a place where everything is perfect and you can forget for the rest of the world for a little bit. Where you are who ever you want to be and nobody can tell you anything.

Don’t listen to anyone who tells you need to more realistic and serious. I am a realist as well, but I do have my own little perfect world where I am the girl I actually want to be and everything is in pink and purple. I would be really depressed if I focused only on the real negative world where there is a lot of evil happening. Whenever I start feeling sad I just go to my world and for a moment everything gets better and when you return to the world around you everything seems just a little bit better and not so awful.

Another thing you also need to remember is that it is great having your own world, but also no need to be careful not to get carried away and get lost in it. You need to know what is real and what is not because that may cost you a lot. Go for a little bit to your special place, but never forget to come back, otherwise you will just be lost and no one will know how to help you. You may even start losing friends just because you look like you’re living in another universe and no matter what you just can’t go back down to Earth. 

So, if you don’t have your own world, go on and create it right now. It is going to be possibly the only perfect thing in your life, but is all in your head so it can be whatever you want to be. The important thing is to know how to get back to reality whenever you start feeling better after visiting your special place. And if you do, go on, make it even more perfect, use it more often. You’re going to feel better and never listen to anyone who makes you stop having your own world.

Somewhere I belong

Have you ever felt like you are at the wrong place? And no matter where you go this feeling never goes away. I feel like this every day and days like yesterday and the day before are here to remind me of that. Whenever I go out there will always be someone who doesn’t like something and complains all the time. There is always someone who is ready to argue. There is always someone who is ready to fight. I don’t belong here. This is not good for my mental health and everyday turns into another day I just need to ‘survive’. There is way too much negative energy and it doesn’t matter how hard you try to resist it at some point it gets to you. Whatever I do, I still don’t feel like I belong here. Yes, I do have friends and family here, but I feel like I am going to get better if I go somewhere else. Sometimes I feel sad without a reason and it feels like something is missing. Maybe if I wasn’t here I won’t feel sad without a reason.It doesn’t matter what I do I feel like it is never enough.

I want to go somewhere where people smile without a reason and it’s not strange to the others. Where people actually help each other. In a place where people appreciate the little things you do for them. A place where there will be mostly positive energy and you can talk to people without getting scared that they’ll shut you out.

A place where there will be nothing missing and maybe finally I can feel whole again.