It does get better

I’m going to tell you a little bit more about myself. 

I am 18-years-old. I haven’t achieved much in the last 18 years because just recently I found out that not everything is so bad and awful and also that I actually have a passion and now I know what I want to do with my life

From ages 7-13 when I was growing up I was a really good girl and I always did whatever they tell me. I did what I had to, I did everything on time, everything was perfect. That made me fear making a mistake. All my life I have had problems with my self-esteem and I’ve never considered myself ”beautiful” or whatever. Other people helped believe that that was true and there is nothing good in me. I act like I don’t care, but it still hurts.. 

One day it was September again and I turned 14 and I had to switch schools.When I moved in the beginning everything was fine. With the time going by I became more anxious and I started thinking no one wants to talk with me no matter what the reason was. That’s why I didn’t talk to anyone. I distanced myself from everyone. I shut down. I was constantly thinking that if I wasn’t there it will be better for everyone. I couldn’t.. well I still can’t talk to my teachers and some of my classmates without shaking and worrying not to say something wrong . The first year was like that. Then I was in 9th grade.I was already mentally tired and I stopped caring about a lot of things. I wasn’t sad anymore. I didn’t cry. I couldn’t. Everything was whatever. I just wanted everything to end. At that time a person came into my life. He made me fall in love for the first time and I was actually feeling something for the first time in a while. My biggest fear was losing him because if I did I was left with nothing. Of course that happened 2 years later. I was broken. I didn’t want to do anything. I was numb and everything was pointless.I didn’t want to go out, I didn’t sleep and that was until I got used to him not being there.

Exactly when I started getting better, I met my second love. Everything was perfect in the beginning, but I now I had a fear that it will happen like the last time. I was acting really cold, well when I had the chance. It didn’t work. I got even more attached, but now I knew that there will come a day when he will leave and I had to be fine with it. 

Now, a year later, I started realizing more important things. I realized there was actually one thing I really loved and it gave purpose to my useless up until now life (or what I thought).  And that is writing. When I write, that is me. No one can tell me anything and I like that. It was a way for me not to go crazy. If I hadn’t found out that I like doing it probably I was going to be insane now. I want to do that and actually use it in my life. The second important thing that I realized is that if you know who you are it doesn’t matter what anyone else is saying.It is important to know who you are and what you are capable of. I realized I don’t need anyone to feel ”beautiful” or to feel like I am worth it. I know who I am and I am perfectly fine alone. And the third really important thing is that there is always a way, not everything is as awful as I thought and there is a reason why we are on this planet. Some of us find it earlier, and some of us find it later. The most important thing is to never give up because there is a reason for you to be here. If you don’t know it right now, keep going and eventually you will find out.

I am tired

I am tired, you know? Not in that “I did a lot of things today and if I get some rest I will feel better” way. I am tired of my everyday life. I am tired of the same people. I am only 18 and already I don’t have the energy to deal with fake people. If you don’t have any intentions to be honest with me just leave. If you think I will run after you just to keep you in my life you better leave. I am at that point where I understand the only person I really need is me and I don’t have to deal with no ones bullshit. If you want me to be in your life just accept me for who I am. Accept that I need to be left alone from time to time. Accept that I will not always have what to say.Accept that I will not always show how much I care about you even if it’s true. And if you can’t, just leave. I am tired, you know?

I am an introvert

I am an introvert. I like being alone, but I don’t hate people. I am not always I just don’t know what to say. I need company as much as an extrovert does, but I prefer it smaller. I need friends as well, but 1 or 2 are enough if I know they are real. I don’t like being the center of attention.

I am an introvert. Don’t tell me I need to talk to you more. I talk as much as I want to whoever I want. If I don’t do it with you that says more about you. Don’t tell me “come, it will be fun”. I don’t know anyone there, I don’t think it will be fun. Don’t tell me “you need to spend more time with people”. I don’t want to. Don’t ask me every five minutes if am sad or if there is something wrong. I am not sad, everything is fine. Don’t ask me why I don’t talk. I don’t always have what to say or I just don’t want to draw attention to myself. Don’t ask me why I am alone. I like it that way.Don’t ask me why I don’t like people. I like them I just prefer them to be far away from me.

I am an introvert. I feel great when I can be left alone and just put on my favorite music and drown in my thoughts. Also, I do have feelings, I just can’t express them. My thoughts flow better while writing, not talking.

I am an introvert. Don’t try to “change me”. It won’t happen. I have lived my entire life that way and I am perfectly fine. Do you really think if I am forced to meet a lot of people something will change? The only thing that will happen will be just feeling really awkward.

I am an introvert. Please, don’t get mad at me when I tell you I need to be alone. I really need that time to restore my energy. Don’t think I don’t love you if don’t tell you something, I am just not really comfortable talking about it. If I ask you for a little alone time just give it to me. I don’t want anything else.
I am an introvert and I often use that as a defensive shield.I don’t let a lot of people get close to me, but if I let you in my world you will have a place there forever. I don’t trust people easily, but if you gain my trust it is really hard to lose it.

I don’t love everyone, but if I love you, I will love till the end 

 

Hello

I know this usually is someones first post, but it will be my third. 

So, hello. I am an 18-year-old girl. I live in Bulgaria (for now). I am shy and introverted and I can’t express my feelings so I do it trough my writings. I actually started writing about two years ago when I felt I have absolutely no one I can actually talk to. At some point I felt like I was going crazy I would explode if I don’t get my thoughts out of my system. That’s when I decided to try and write them down. It helped. I felt a lot better and normal again. Two years later I still don’t have a lot of friends and people I can talk to, but now I have writing. Every time something happens and I can’t tell anyone, I write it and I feel better again.

Also music is a big part of my life. I always listen to the lyrics of a song and a lot of them have actually helped me. Even if it is just to see that I am not the only one feeling this way and there is always hope. I also want some day to be that for someone with the things I write. I know it can be really hard to express what you are feeling so it will be great if someone finds themselves in some of my writings and maybe help them see they are not alone and even they may start thinking in a different way and know in the end it always gets better. 

For now this is from me. 

Somewhere I belong

Have you ever felt like you are at the wrong place? And no matter where you go this feeling never goes away. I feel like this every day and days like yesterday and the day before are here to remind me of that. Whenever I go out there will always be someone who doesn’t like something and complains all the time. There is always someone who is ready to argue. There is always someone who is ready to fight. I don’t belong here. This is not good for my mental health and everyday turns into another day I just need to ‘survive’. There is way too much negative energy and it doesn’t matter how hard you try to resist it at some point it gets to you. Whatever I do, I still don’t feel like I belong here. Yes, I do have friends and family here, but I feel like I am going to get better if I go somewhere else. Sometimes I feel sad without a reason and it feels like something is missing. Maybe if I wasn’t here I won’t feel sad without a reason.It doesn’t matter what I do I feel like it is never enough.

I want to go somewhere where people smile without a reason and it’s not strange to the others. Where people actually help each other. In a place where people appreciate the little things you do for them. A place where there will be mostly positive energy and you can talk to people without getting scared that they’ll shut you out.

A place where there will be nothing missing and maybe finally I can feel whole again.

One Day

One day when you least expect it a person will enter your life and nothing will ever be the same again. You will go out, you will talk, you will make each other happy. He will be the first one you will want to tell when something happens. You will tell each other everything. You will find pieces of yourself in him. You will become best friends. It feels like you are the same person and you just can’t live without each other. The moment you imagine your life without him, will be the moment you realize that you have feelings for that person. That will scare you. You have been hurt before and you don’t want that to happen again, but it will be too late. You will do everything possible to stop yourself from thinking about him. You will go out late at night . You will listen to your music at a volume you can’t hear your thoughts, but nothing will help. You try so hard to forget him and you are afraid of being hurt so badly you start losing him.

You start talking one a day, once a week, once a month until you completely fade away from each others lives. You will miss each other. A lot. But no one will reach out to the other for many reasons. Even though he isn’t in your life anymore, he is still in your heart. Every night you lay awake thinking what could have been if things had gone differently. Months go by, maybe even a year. Suddenly, you hear your phone buzzing. The screen says ”I want to see you. I miss you”. You can’t believe it. You are at a loss of words, you don’t know what to do. You would do anything just to have a couple more moments together. You know it’s wrong, but you’ve got to listen to your heart. You take a deep breath and reply with “Okay.”. After 20 minutes he is at your place. You know each other so well you don’t need to say were you will meet. You are at a loss of words the first moment you see him. Before the eyes of both of you there are a thousand memories and a thousand more unspoken words. He starts telling you why things happened the way they did. He tells you he has feelings for you.. You can’t believe what you are hearing… You start thinking how you could have been together and everything would’ve been okay if only someone said something earlier .. But you’re the same, right? Both of your prides are bigger than they have to.. How much love you have lost because of it..

After a two-hour long conversation, he walks you to your place. You stay like that for a really long time. You can’t let him go.. Not again. After a while you feel his eyes on your lips and after that his on your lips. You can’t believe what is happening. You know that’s is not a good decision, but that is everything your heart has ever wanted. You both know you are not good for each other. You will hurt yourselves in ways you can’t even imagine. You know you are seeing each other for the last time. And  that is how you first kiss, becomes your last, but it’s not like any other you’ve ever had in your life. That’s how there will be forever pieces of him in you and pieces of you in him. It will never be the same again.You will always see each other in everyone you will meet. No one will ever understand you the way you understand each other.

You will forever be in your thoughts, but not in your arms.
You will forever miss each other, but you will never be together.
It will forever hurt, but nothing will ever help.

After all what helps for a broken heart?