It’s like constantly having a nightmare, but worse because you can’t wake up.
You can’t wake up this is not a dream.
No matter how hard you try you can’t run away, you can’t hide. It’s always there. It’s like drowning on the inside because absolutely no one understands what you are going through. It is absolutely energy-consuming. It is tiring to always feel that way and knowing there is nothing you can do about it. It is tiring always hating the way you feel and whatever you do it never gets better. Everyday is a survival. It’s an everyday struggle you have to go through. And there is no one who can help you which makes it a struggle which you have to go trough alone. It stops you from doing so many things. It stops you from doing the things you love that actually give live a reason. It stops you from enjoying simple life things. Just because you wonder and you worry. Your every single minuet, every single second your mind is in a constant battle with itself and it’s tiring. It is so so tiring. People around you wonder why you have zero energy almost most of the time. It changes you as a person and that affects the ones you love the most and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it and at some point you start hating yourself because of that. Which causes more anxiety in order not to disappoint your most loved ones, but you feel like you constantly disappoint them even if you haven’t done anything so they would think that way. Everyday feels absolutely the same. Nothing changes. Nothing gets better.
..but why did you get that way in the first place? People around you have always wanted something from you and they have always wanted you to be perfect and if you are not they start calling you names. They start saying awful things. If you say something wrong they know what to tell you so you won’t ever say anything again. You start believe the things they say? I mean, why wouldn’t you? No one has taught you how to love yourself and why it is so important.
Lets say this starts around the age of 12. You’re a happy little child living in a colorful world full of happiness and positiveness. Then you meet that kind of mean people and the colors in your world start vanishing one by one. Then you’re 14, your world is gray, you almost got used to it. Then you’re 16. Your world is absolutely black. You are almost suicidal. Then your 18. Your world is gray again, it’s a little bit better, just because you are now used to it, although you are tired. So very tired. All you want is a break from your mind. From your thoughts. From yourself. From the world. It seems like no one is willing to give you this break. So you just have to go on, and on..
Anyways, how can you take a break when all you hear in your head is how you are never good enough and the voices in your head make everything 10 times worse than they actually are.
I’ll never be good enough and everything you love will burn up in the light.
Who can help you in that situation? Family? Friends? No. Absolutely no one. No one knows what it feels like to constantly blame yourself for everything even if it’s not your fault. No one knows what it feels like to think you are always being judged. No one knows how hard everyday is. No one knows how tiring it is. Even if they say ”I understand”, no, they don’t. You are the only one who understands and that can make you go crazy. It’s hard getting close to someone just because there is one more person to disappoint that way and in the same time you don’t want to be alone all the time because that means you are left only with your thoughts which is pretty scary sometimes.
I’m scared to get close, but I hate being alone.
It is an absolute constant battle between feeling way too much and being emotionless. If you feel too much you will get hurt and because of being hurt way too much you become emotionless. When you become emotionless people around you start questioning that they start telling you that you are ‘rude’, ‘numb’, ‘mean’ and whatever you can think of. But what they do not get is that you are TIRED. So very TIRED.
I act like I don’t fucking care cause I’m so fucking scared.
You start hating yourself for the way you are even though there is nothing you can do about it and that makes you hate yourself even more. So it’s a mad cycle. Once you’re in, there is no getting out. You have to learn to live with it. You will never be normal because no matter what anyone says it is not normal to constantly feel that way..
If you understand and relate to that, I am very sorry, but if you want you can talk to me, I will try to help with whatever I can, even if it’s just by listening to what you have to say.
My world 
I think this is called growing up 🙂 By the time you are 22-24 it all becomes colourful again. Teenage is difficult in so many levels and you are not in control. Your body chemistry is changing faster than you can get used to it and it throws all your experiences in chaos. Those that are in your situation can’t help you because they are in the same shit and they struggle just the same. Those that managed to get out of this are now being too self-confident and kind of want to see you struggle just because they have and they are telling you all these scary stories of being grown up. I was exactly like you about 10 years ago and I can confirm – it goes away! Just hang on! You have survived the most difficult years! Well done! From what you say, I guess you are around 18-19. Probably finishing school soon. Isn’t that great? No more nagging teachers. What ever you have lined up for the next 10 years – it will be so much different. I promise you. The next 10 years will be the fastest and best 10 years of your life. There will be so much colour, laughter and the difficulties will finally be – I can either solve it, or I can’t be bothered .. There is one thing that remains though – your family. I hope you are on good terms at least with some of them, as they are the constant you will so much need to talk to, whilst everything else is changing. They will remind you who you are and how wonderful you are and you are so much loved. But yeah – I am so excited for you .. I wish I could do a repeat of my last 10 years .. over and over again 🙂 Hope you will continue writing when you ‘on the other side’ .. as I’d definitely like to read how things are going for you. You are doing great! That’s all you need to know!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for the kind words, but I don’t think constantly feeling that way is growing up. I mean, everyone around me is growing up why don’t they feel that way? And,yes, I am 18, finishing school in 2 months. I can not wait until then, but I think wherever I go I will always feel that way. It is just a part of me now and I have to live like that everyday.
LikeLike
… nothing in our lives is forever. Everything changes. This will change too, just the same way the princess/fairy period of your childhood changed to give way to whatever you are going through now. It is just a passage to something else. Often things are alternating. Bad periods are followed by good ones and then there will be another difficulty and it will be better again …. So if you are in a bad period – it can only mean a better one is coming up for you 🙂 What’s not to be happy about 🙂 And if you are in a good one – appreciate it, but don’t forget the lessons you’ve learned from the difficult ones. One is for certain! It will change and as you are openly asking these questions – you are already changing! It means you are fed up with this, you see the problem and you want it to go away. So you already know – you don’t like it. You have put already a huge distance between what you want and what you are experiencing. You have just said – I don’t want it anymore. So the moment you see a better and different feeling and way of thinking – you will easily say good bye to this one. Just because you don’t have a need for it.
When I was going through this – I was told by the others ‘try and switch your brain off, think about something else’. .. well .. easier said then done. When all you can think about is the misery you are in. It almost seems like they don’t understand how difficult it is to get out of this and don’t have a clue. But internally you know they are right, but they don’t say how to do it. I found that sports are literally switching my brain off. Whilst I am breathing heavily, I can’t think of anything else but how to get to my goal. Things like basketball, volleyball, squash, tennis are great. I also found that dancing and cycling are great too. What you need is something to get your hear rate and breathing up. Set goals, small ones – for instance – go 1-7 floors (that’s how many were in my building) three times. Have a little rest and then do it again and if you can .. 3rd time. After my third or fourth session ( I did that every other day ) I felt confident that I wanted a little bit more .. so I found some dancing clubs .. and it helped a lot!
Your live will give you opportunities for you to feel better. Just be ready for them and say “I deserve to be happy” – and you will recognize the new moments, the new feelings. 🙂 And also – your body chemistry will soon settle down and will leave you alone for a while. You will be in the best health and shape and you will like it .. a lot ! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person