For you

I know that right now this probably won’t mean anything to you, but there are so many things that go through my mind every time I see you

Like how you make me feel when I’m with you

How everything feels right when I’m with you

How everything falls into place

How I forget about everything bad that has ever happened

I want to tell you how much I miss you when I’m not with you

How everything makes sense when you’re with me

How much I think about you all the time

How you make me feel things I’ve never felt before

How you’re the one I always think about

How whenever something bad happens I think of you and feel just a little bit better

How you are the light of my life

How happy you make me

How I’ve never been happier

How you make me smile every time I think of you

How you make my eyes light up every time I see you

How fast my heart is beating when I’m close to you

How much positive energy you give me

How you make me forget I hate myself

How you make me want to be better

How I want to be the one who is always going to be there for you

How much love you deserve

How I’ll try to give you all of it

How I hope I’ll be good enough for you

How I won’t make you go through anything alone

How I’ll be there for you when you need me

How much I need you

How you shouldn’t be scared when you’re with me

How everything will be alright as long as we’re together

How I think you deserve the world

How I think you deserve the stars

How sad I am I can’t give you that

How happy I’ll be to do anything for you to show you how much you mean to me

How happy I am you are in my life

How my life changed since I met you

How you’re one of the best things that has ever happened to me

How lucky I feel to be with you

How you are the first thing on my mind when I wake up every morning

How I fall asleep with you on my mind every night

How I see you in my dreams

How every song makes sense now

How I want to know everything about you so I know how to love you like you’ve never been loved before

How I wonder if you think the same about me..

..for some reason something stops me from saying it

So I guess I’ll just have to show you how much I mean all of this.


21 Aug Thoughts

All my friends tell me it’s all in my head
But they don’t really understand
That “love yourself” doesn’t really help
Even if I tried to
It’s so hard to escape what you’re used to
How do you explain what is going on in your brain
To someone who doesn’t understand
That you really need a hand
And not the millionth ‘positive quote’
That will not help you at all
Even if I try
Every time I start to cry
And I would actually love you to know all my reasons why
I don’t really know what is going on
I know I have to, but I can’t really make it on my own.


Eurovision 2018

In relation to the singing contest going on at the moment I’ve been wondering some things. I watched the two semi-finals and I have very mixed emotions. I also have a few questions, but for that later..

First of all, I am obsessed with music, contests, charts and different cultures, so this is like the perfect way for me to procrastinate.  I was not able to watch it the day it was aired, because of work, but last night I had a little bit of free time, so I decided to see what is going with Europe’s music this year.  I have to say I was very surprised by a few things. Firstly, no offence, but why countries like Israel and a whole other continent like Australia participate in a contest for countries in Europe only. I know this is not the first year this has happened, but I still don’t have answers to this question.

Second of all the content from all of the countries was just amazing. Besides my number one – Bulgaria, just because I was raised there, my other favourites are Greece, Serbia, Czech Republic and Moldova.

One of the problems with the whole contest is that now almost everyone sings in English, which is reasonable in some way, because that way everyone will understand what the song is about, but for me this contest is to show something different from each country. Europe is full of amazing, exciting, different and interesting countries, so I am sure if everyone sang in their language it would be at least a little bit more interesting. The problem with everyone singing in English is that that way all of the songs sound absolutely the same and they all sound like the songs we hear everyday on the radio and European music is so much more than that.

I know it is very hard creating a song in a language that not everyone understands to compete with the entire continent, but it is not impossible. For example this years’ Greece song was in Greek, but I honestly think it is one of the best in the entire competition and I think they should have gone to the final! I know like five words in Greek and I obviously do not understand the song and what she is singing about, but it still such a good song that can still make you feel something and I am pretty sure it is liked by most of the people who have heard it. Even though it is in a language that not everyone understands it is a very good song, because you can hear and feel something that is representing Greece in a very good way – their music!

I have to say the absolute same things about the Serbian song this year. It is another one of my favourites. Again, the song was in their own language, but they made it work! This is another one I think should be at the top!

As a mentioned earlier my other favourites – Bulgaria, Czech Republic and Moldova – all of the songs were in English. In the Bulgarian one, there was Bulgarian motives at the beginning and the end of the song, so I was like okay, otherwise it has absolutely nothing representative of the country, but of course I still want them to win, because that is my country and I wish them all the best! Moldova’s song was very fresh, again in English, but the melody was very typical for them, so this is why I liked them. You could definitely recognize that song if you hear it somewhere it has nothing to do with the others. And what do I say about Czech Republic, honestly guys, you know what you are doing.  First of all the boy is very cute and I think all girls can agree on that, so Czech Republic, well done on that! Otherwise the song, even though again in English, is fun, fresh and very catchy which is also very important for a song in that kind of contest.

A song should be able to make you remember it from the first time you hear it and I think all of the mentioned countries can definitely do that!

It is normal for every country to show that they can do it and that they are the best and honestly, I think all of the countries are the best! Everyone one of them has something special and different to offer and I think a contest like that is the perfect way for every country to show what they have and what they are capable of! This is a way of becoming famous all over the world or at least Europe in a very good way with your music! Everyone listens to music and that way they can discover a lot of new songs, genres and cultures. Each country has something specific and music is the perfect way to show the world that they can do it. Music is about feeling and coming together as one with people who do not speak the same language as you or have a very different culture than yours. Music is perfect in its own way just like every European country!

So, those are my feelings and questions about the competition. If anyone else cares or is also following it, can you please express your opinion on that, because of course I can be wrong and I want to see who thinks the same way I do, and if not, why?

Thank you for your time reading this and I will be expecting your answers and opinions!

Ah, yes, I almost forgot, and of course if you are also following it who would you want to see winning the contest tomorrow night?



September has always been my favourite month of the year because of 2 reasons. The first one is because it is my month. When I was little I always waited for the middle of September so I can be big like the other kids. The second reason is that September for me is a new beginning. The beginning of the most beautiful time of the year. The beginning of the person that you’re going to be until the end of the year and after 4 months on the 1st of January you will tell yourself again that you’re going to be a different person.September is the beginning of autumn and the end of summer.The end of staying all day outside in the sun and wondering how to get away from it. The of a very careless time. A time that for some reason is the best for most of the people and I don’t like it at all which makes September even more special. September is the time when seasons change and you can feel the difference. When going to the beach under the hot sun turn into pouring rain which refreshes us and wash away the summer so we can start again. When the 2 ice creams a day turn into a cup of hot chocolate. When shorts and sandals turn into jeans and converse. When short sleeves turn into leather jackets. When the careless days turn into thing that you do everyday that make you feel productive and good for yourself because you know that you will need it in time. When summer romances turn into serious relationships. When summer memories turn into memories forever. When summer turns into autumn. When August turns into September. That’s when you become a new person.

This September is really important for me because I am literally starting my life over. I moved to another city in another country and I am going to be 1st year in university. The place is new, the people are new, the memories are new. I start all over and that is everything that I need right now. I have never felt more ready to see what the future will bring.

Faking a smile

Hello beautiful girl

– You need to smile more often.

I guess you haver heard that a million times but something always stops you from doing it. Something stops that smile from being real. You have learned how to fake a smile so that people will leave you alone. A fake smile behind which you hide a lot of memories, feelings and tears. But they don’t understand, right? In fact nobody understands. You are alone in this world. Or that’s just how you feel even if you are surrounded by people. But who will understand? No one has been through what you go through every day. Every day you wonder why you are the way you are and what is wrong with you. Everything is fine with you, you’re gorgeous. But how to believe that when you’ve been told the opposite all your life. You think you are no good because people always get tired of you. You tell yourself over and over again that you do not deserve love because the person you have loved the most has left you even after a thousand “forevers”. There is something very wrong with you. You destroy yourself so others can be fine. You burn for people who do not burn for you. You have loved once now you run away from anyone who wants to get close to you. Who was that person who left you that empty that no matter how hard you try you just can’t feel it in? Who was the person who destroyed you and now has no idea what is going on with you? You are not like the rest of the girls. You are different, right? 

– See how many things can hide a smile even if it is a fake one but you need to know that that doesn’t make you less beautiful. Next time when you hear those words try to do it you can feel whole once again if it is just for a second. The person who tells you to smile more ofteb doesn’t know all of that. All they see is a gorgeous girl.


You can’t ever tell me that summer is the best time of the year. I hate the fact that even if you want to go outside ot do anything you can’t because it’s like a hundred degrees outside and your brain is melting. I hate the fact that you are constantly exhausted because of the heat and then you can’t fall asleep because of that. I hate that you have to shower with cold water at least 15 times a day because otherwise you will die of heat stroke. I hate all of the insects that bite you all the time and nothing ever helps. I hate it when it is so hot and there is nothing you can do to feel better because again nothing helps.

Yes, I know that every summer has its story, but that’s it.

Do you what I do like? The first rain in September that everyone has waited so long for. It washes the summer off of us and it comes with a cool breeze which tells us that the best time of the year is coming. And that’s autumn and winter. One of the most beautiful things are the gold-yellow-brownish autumn leaves that fall on the ground and when you step on them you can hear winter coming. I find some kind of peace in autumn rain. That is the time I feel alive and ready for a new life. I wouldn’t mind if it rained all year but it is time for winter again. You can’t compare the beauty of the first white snow to anything else. Winter has a special power which not everyone can feel because they are too busy being cold but if you forget about that for a moment they will realize that they can’t find it anywhere else. This is the time that gives you the power you need to finish whatever you have started this year and to start the new year.
Also, is there a better feeling than being at home drinking you hot chocolate while the snow falls silently outside? 

To the stars

We are going to live very differently if we start looking more often at the night sky. Imagine it is the beginning of summer. A July summer night. You are at the beach, on a mountain or in the city. You can be the busiest person and you can be the most careless one, but that doesn’t matter when you look up at the night sky full of bright stars which may seem like small shiny dots. It’s like someone has spilled a jar full of glitter on a black piece of paper. Wherever you look this is all you see. Dark, beautiful and endless. At some point you start losing yourself. Don’t be afraid to lose yourself, you can always come back of course only if you want to. This will help you to start thinking in a different way. Different than your everyday thoughts. You start forgetting where you are, who you are and you realize that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter who you are on the Earth because when you look up you become whoever you want to be. You become the person you have dreamed to be your whole life. You don’t have any limits anymore. Imagine while you are looking up someone or something somewhere in the Universe is also looking at the same sky and wishes it can be like you. It is incredible that we know almost nothing about that shiny black wall and what is it hiding and probably we will never find out, but it is always interesting to step outside our comfort zone and think about this. The possibilities are endless and the best thing is that we will never find out. That’s why it can be whatever we want it to be. Anything we want, everything we don’t have or anything we want it to be.

A lot of people search for an escape from the reality they live in everyday and this is probably one of the best escapes. It can open your eyes for a lot more possibilities. If there is a time where you feel like you want to run away just look up. This will always be your world, shaped only by you. Everything will be okay there. Go for a little bit it will help you. It is even better if you do it more often. It is important to disconnect from reality from time to time otherwise we will go insane and the stars are the most beautiful way to do that.

There was a time when I was also searching for an escape and I found it when I started looking at the beautiful night sky. I liked it way too much and I never came back…


Living with anxiety

It’s like constantly having a nightmare, but worse because you can’t wake up. 

You can’t wake up this is not a dream.

No matter how hard you try you can’t run away, you can’t hide. It’s always there. It’s like drowning on the inside because absolutely no one understands what you are going through. It is absolutely energy-consuming. It is tiring to always feel that way and knowing there is nothing you can do about it. It is tiring always hating the way you feel and whatever you do it never gets better. Everyday is a survival. It’s an everyday struggle you have to go through. And there is no one who can help you which makes it a struggle which you have to go trough alone. It stops you from doing so many things. It stops you from doing the things you love that actually give live a reason. It stops you from enjoying simple life things. Just because you wonder and you worry. Your every single minuet, every single second your mind is in a constant battle with itself and it’s tiring. It is so so tiring. People around you wonder why you have zero energy almost most of the time. It changes you as a person and that affects the ones you love the most and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it and at some point you start hating yourself because of that. Which causes more anxiety in order not to disappoint your most loved ones, but you feel like you constantly disappoint them even if you haven’t done anything so they would think that way. Everyday feels absolutely the same. Nothing changes. Nothing gets better.

..but why did you get that way in the first place? People around you have always wanted something from you and they have always wanted you to be perfect and if you are not they start calling you names. They start saying awful things. If you say something wrong they know what to tell you so you won’t ever say anything again. You start believe the things they say? I mean, why wouldn’t you? No one has taught you how to love yourself and why it is so important. 

Lets say this starts around the age of 12. You’re a happy little child living in a colorful world full of happiness and positiveness. Then you meet that kind of mean people and the colors in your world start vanishing one by one. Then you’re 14, your world is gray, you almost got used to it. Then you’re 16. Your world is absolutely black. You are almost suicidal. Then your 18. Your world is gray again, it’s a little bit better, just because you are now used to it, although you are tired. So very tired. All you want is a break from your mind. From your thoughts. From yourself. From the world. It seems like no one is willing to give you this break. So you just have to go on, and on..

Anyways, how can you take a break when all you hear in your head is how you are never good enough and the voices in your head make everything 10 times worse than they actually are.

I’ll never be good enough and everything you love will burn up in the light.

Who can help you in that situation? Family? Friends? No. Absolutely no one. No one knows what it feels like to constantly blame yourself for everything even if it’s not your fault. No one knows what it feels like to think you are always being judged. No one knows how hard everyday is. No one knows how tiring it is. Even if they say ”I understand”, no, they don’t. You are the only one who understands and that can make you go crazy. It’s hard getting close to someone just because there is one more person to disappoint that way and in the same time you don’t want to be alone all the time because that means you are left only with your thoughts which is pretty scary sometimes.

I’m scared to get close, but I hate being alone.

It is an absolute constant battle between feeling way too much and being emotionless. If you feel too much you will get hurt and because of being hurt way too much you become emotionless. When you become emotionless people around you start questioning that they start telling you that you are ‘rude’, ‘numb’, ‘mean’ and whatever you can think of. But what they do not get is that you are TIRED. So very TIRED.

I act like I don’t fucking care cause I’m so fucking scared.

You start hating yourself for the way you are even though there is nothing you can do about it and that makes you hate yourself even more. So it’s a mad cycle. Once you’re in, there is no getting out. You have to learn to live with it. You will never be normal because no matter what anyone says it is not normal to constantly feel that way.. 

If you understand and relate to that, I am very sorry, but if you want you can talk to me, I will try to help with whatever I can, even if it’s just by listening to what you have to say.

I am done

Have you ever been so mad you feel like you actually might explode. Mad at your friends, at the whole world, but most of all at yourself for being everything you don’t want to be and no matter how hard you try you can never change it. 

All my life I have been told that if I don’t like something about myself I need to change it and when I finally decide to do that I start actually feeling worse than before. Also how to you change the whole person you are? What do you do when you don’t like the way you look, the way you talk, even the way you act when that is everything that makes you the person you are. When you actually decide to try and change because of the same people who told you that you should they start telling you that that is not you and start asking what are you doing.

“You know we are different in our own ways. You know we are there for each other no matter what. You know me better than I know myself and you know I have problems with expressing my feelings and attachments. Also, you know I do not do great with people so please don’t force me doing things I am not comfortable with. And when you start doing them with someone you actually like better because they are more fun or whatever just don’t tell I am the one who distanced myself and that I am the reason we lost touch. I am done with taking the blame for absolutely everything for the last 5 years and it doesn’t matter how hard I try to change or be the person you actually want me to be I can never make things right.” – to my best friend

I am done. I am done with trying to please everyone else. I am done with changing. I never felt better when that was the point. I am done trying to be someone I am not. I am done with taking the blame for everything. I am done feeling quilty for things I shouldn’t feel that way. I am done with always feeling not good enough. I am done with being mad at myself. I am done with hating myself. I am done with people who don’t want me in their lives the way I am. I am done with people who can not accept me. I am done.